Category Archives: Random Access

Random Access, the op-ed.

Whew, A New Year Looms

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The crazed and the sketchy got out to lunch more than usual this year.

Approved
Congress had a 7% approval rating which sounds like a 93% disapproval rating. And yet 95.4% of the encumbents who ran got re-elected. (Forty-one retired which is way more than the sixteen defeated.)

SWMBO got about a $26 Social Security raise for 2015 thanks to that magnificent 1.7% COLA. Oddly, her Medicare Advantage premium rose $43.

The University of Miami tried to sell endangered pine rockland to build a Walmart.

An intruder jumped the White House fence and ran straight in the White House unlocked front door where he then asked for a cup of coffee in the ceremonial tea room. OK, I made the last part up; he actually asked for parking validation.

Good Vibrations
The earth moved in South Puffin after a 5.0 magnitude earthquake off Cuba rattled Boot Key harbor near South Puffin. There was no tsunami.

A 27-year-old woman in Tampa allegedly slapped a 72-year-old woman who denied her friend request on Facebook. Another Florida woman is also facing a battery charge after she got into a fight with her twin sister over a vibrator. Battery.

Jobs
Two men stole used fry oil from D Hookers, the Fish House, and a McDonalds in South Puffin. They were arrested for trying to make a living off the fat of the land.

Former Kansas state rep, former Kansas Insurance Commissioner, former Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius resigned from her position as Secretary of Health and Unaffordable Care Services when Healthcare.gov enrolled 157 Americans but turned away the 12 million who lost their insurance. She will take a “private” sector job with Government Motors supervising 45 recalls of 28 million cars. It is expected that more than 300 cars will be repaired before the end of 2015.

Bathing
Someone tied a skeleton to an underwater post near the Seven Mile Bridge right around my birthday (I was in North Puffin. Really). We think that had nothing to do with …

A Great White Shark named Katharine stopped in at my beach. She’s the 14 foot, 2,300 pound, Great White who swam from Cape Cod to the Gulf of Mexico and back. She pinged about 20 miles out here over Memorial Day weekend. She had traveled more than 3,600 miles since she was tagged last year. She was also following the Local10 reporter reporting on her. Katharine has her own Twitter account (@Shark_Katharine), of course.

Taking a Bath
Eight vintage Corvettes disappeared in a sinkhole in Bowling Green.

The N.J. Turnpike is apparently going into the pizza business. That state agency sued Boardwalk Pizza here in the Keys because the pizza joint’s sign is too similar the Garden State Parkway signs. Both circular logos are green with a yellow border. The turnpike’s says “Garden State” along the top, while Boardwalk’s says “Jersey Boardwalk.” The middle of the Turnpike’s logo say’s “Parkway” while Boardwalk’s says “Pizza Co.” The Turnpike logo has no words along the bottom of the circle; Boardwalk’s says “Subs. Cheesesteaks. Pasta.”

You Can’t Make This [$#!*] Up
The Throne Thrusters modified a porta-potty in LaPorte, Indiana, and launched it into the sky this month. It described an elegant arc and nearly landed on a spectator’s pickup truck almost half a mile away. The thrusters spokesman said it wasn’t “barnyard engineering.” NASA’s Orion also launched, flew, and landed with “bullseye” precision.

A white man who hates black men once owned an NBA basketball team. He was harshly penalized which may tie in to …

Dennis Rodman made his thirty-fourth visit to North Korea to play some one-on-one with his misunderstood pal Kim Jong Un. Sadly, he won this final game; Mr. Kim retaliated by bombing Mr. Rodman’s PlayStation.

The FBI investigated hundreds of naked-celebrity photos spread across the Interwebs that hundreds of naked-celebrities intelligently took with their smartphones. Meanwhile, the NSA announced it had no access to any personal information on naked-celebrity smartphones, only their measurements.

More people watched the styrofoam coolers that didn’t come from Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 than watched OJ run through the line of freeway traffic at 37 mph. Flight 370 is still missing. The NSA doesn’t know where it is, either.

Another Year (Almost) Gone
None of the 2014 stories measure up to this: “the sea hag” allegedly shot a 64-year-old man five times in the abdomen, back, and arm after he refused to give her a beer. They had gone to an elegant repast at the Brass Monkey and returned home. She went for her vibrator and he for a beer. She couldn’t find hers so she wanted his.

Let’s be careful out there in 2015.

 

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

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In Charlotte, Vermont, in 2008, a school got hammered to take down its candy cane decorations because a grinch there says they have an overt Christmas message. Federal Reserve examiners in 2010 told a hometown bank that it must remove crosses, Bible verses, and Christmas buttons because they could be offensive. The Fed says the Christian paraphernalia violated federal bank regulations. In 2012, the owner of a New Jersey business faced thousands in fines because he installed a 40-foot tall inflatable Santa Claus on his retail store rooftop. CANDY CANES and SANTA! The Menorah and the Glitter Moon and Star for Ramadan probably stayed up at the school, though.


christmas bird

Every radio station has defaulted to Christmas music. I’m surprised we haven’t lost that, too. I don’t particularly like Christmas music but my radio has an off switch. I don’t have to listen to it if I don’t want to.

I was raised in a family that was Quaker on one side, Presbyterian on the other. I may not be as organized now as I was when I reached the age of accountability and joined the Presbyterian church but I am still a Christian. And, of course, a WASP.

You don’t have to be either.

Tomorrow is the day Christians celebrate the birth of the Christ child and the meaning of Christianity. It was a pretty big day before the stock exchange took it over.

It doesn’t mean Do unto all the other religions, then cut out. Unless you are a Member of Congress.

Here’s the thing. If you offer food to the monks on Vesak, Buddha’s Birthday, I will honor your commitment to the poor. If you celebrate Diwali, the Festival of Lights, I will honor with you the victory of Lord Ram over the demon-king Ravana. If you fast during Ramadan when the Qur’an was revealed to Mohammad, I will honor your patience and humility. If you celebrate the most solemn and important of Jewish holidays, Yom Kippur, I will honor your atonement and repentance. If you light the candles of Kwanzaa, I will help you honor your heritage. And if you are a lib’rul atheist, I will not proselytize.

That maybe the most important message.

Not one American soldier in Afghanistan, Australia, Bahrain, Belgium, Canada, Cuba, Egypt, Germany, Greece, Greenland, Guam, Honduras, Indian Ocean, Iraq, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, Kyrgyzstan, Netherlands, Portugal, Puerto Rico, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, South Africa, South Korea, Spain, Thailand, Turkey, the United Kingdom, United Arab Emirates, or the United States has forced any man, woman, or child to convert to Christianity at the point of a gun this year.

You don’t have to be a Buddhist, a Hindu, Islamic, a Jew, a Kwanzaan celebrant, or an atheist. It is time, on this Christian holy day, to let Christians be Christians.

My right to impose my own beliefs stops at my property line (or the end of my nose when I’m out in public). The Charlotte, Vermont, grinch’s right to his own idiocy stops at pretty much the same place. It is time to stop accepting that “politically correct” credo and start honoring the true message of Christmas.

Scythian philosopher Anacharsis wrote in the 6th century BCE, “Wise men argue causes, and fools decide them.”

Peace.

This column originally appeared on Christmas Day, 2008. It required very little updating.

 

Winter Is Here!

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Fine Art BikeWinter is here! Tra la, tra la! I shall go to the beach to celebrate!

The Winter Solstice arrived last night at 23:03 p.m. “UTC” here in South Puffin. That would be 6:03 p.m. in real Eastern Standard Time here. Why did the New World Order change from GMT to UTC, anyway? What on earth was wrong with Greenwich Mean Time?

The winter solstice marks the shortest day and longest night of the year but sunsets are already getting later. 4:14 p.m. EST in North Puffin and 5:40 p.m. EST here today. Tell me again why we don’t have Daylight “Saving” Time year round? A 6:40 p.m. sunset sounds pretty good to me.

My shadow on the beach at noon yesterday and today will be the longest of the year.

Winter.

The rain over the southeast has broken up and spread out a bit — it was pretty heavy as far south as central Florida last night. A lightning strike at an NFL game in Tampa almost hit seven fans.

It was 17° and foggy in North Puffin this morning which is 10° warmer than yesterday. The first day of winter there will be partly sunny with a high of just under freezing on nice light southeast winds. On the other hand, it was 75° here when I first checked. Here in South Puffin, we do have a slight 10% chance of showers coming in on southeast winds but I’m seeing partly-to-mostly sunny with the high temp topping 80°!

Winter.

I like to hit the beach in late afternoon.

My beach faces south into the Atlantic that divides us from Cuba (Cuba is closer to Key West than Walmart). The navigation channel is a hundred yards or so off shore so we get some interesting boat traffic.

Our osprey came a’calling a couple of times recently. He landed on the roof one day, but chose a palm frond the next. That big bird bounced the palm enough that I got seasick.

Mermaid Washes Up on BeachKids discovered a mermaid earlier this month.

Two women and two kids were there the other day. Both kids and one of the women went in the chilly 70° water, That woman did it clean the sand out of the top of her bathing suit. See, she had been shelling and dropped the shells into her top.

A friend saw something very seal/walrus like rolling around amongst the bait fish but I missed it.

Despite all the attractions, my beach is the most relaxing place in the islands.

Still Life with Palms

Low tide is at 2:34 p.m. and high at 9 so the most beach will be about when I’m swimming this afternoon. And I shall do the Penguin Plunge on Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas, y’all!

 

Protest Too Much

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“The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

“O, but she’ll keep her word.”

But will she?

Shakespear and others of that time knew that the word “protest” meant to “vow” or “declare solemnly.” Gertrude thought the Player Queen went a little over the top with her promises. Taking the modern approach, I think the Player Queen got a little skewed with her mission.


Protesters Holding the Wrong Signs

Tens of thousands of protesters swarmed Washington yesterday because a black kid got shot running from a crime.

Not one protester was upset about the number of crimes committed by actual criminals. Or the crimes committed by the protesters. Some are calling this movement the “new Civil Rights” but no one takes responsibility for the old (un)civil behavior.

Some pundits believe as I do that it’s time for the Civil Rights movement to grow up, take responsibility, and forge ahead.

Are there some bad cops? Sure. There are about 15,000 law enforcement agencies in the United States with more than 750,000 sworn officers. That many people means there are some bad actors but the data shows that police officers commit very few crimes relative to the population they swear to protect.

1,163,146 violent crimes were reported in 2013 nationwide. More than 720,000 ag assaults accounted for 62.3% of that. Almost 350,000 robberies (29.7%), 81,000 rapes (6.9%) and about 14,000 murders (1.2%) made up the rest.

The question you have to ask yourself is, who should get most of your attention? The few bad cops or the 1,163,146 criminals?

End Gang ViolenceWhere are the protests over unarmed black men shot in drivebys?
Where are the protests over unarmed black women shot in bedrooms?
Where are the protests over unarmed black children shot in “neighbor disputes”?

No Looting BurningWhere are the protests over drug dealers on the corners?
Where are the protests over vandalism?
Where are the protests over arson?

Stop Robbing UsWhere are the protests over burglaries?
Where are the protests over armed robberies?
Where are the protests over smash-and-grabs?

Those are the crimes in neighborhoods like yours and mine. Those are the crimes you expect cops to prevent. Those are the crimes you say are the cops’ fault.

Who is the actual pig in this story?

Some pundits believe as I do that it’s time to stop letting old demagogues like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson blame everyone but the criminals for all the crimes. It’s time for the Civil Rights movement to grow up, take responsibility, and forge ahead.

We’ve all seen the current crop of protest signs. I like my signs better.

This might could or even might be the start of Civil Rights 2.0.

 

Ouch!

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I made a mistake.

I flog my blog in social media (some might call that “trolling”) both to advertise it and to get more discussion going. This week, I wrote the come-on, “That’s just another day in the life of a police officer. So is the Liberal cry to Kill the Pigs.”

The piece itself doesn’t make much of a connection between Liberals and the slogan but I did.

“Liberals don’t want to ‘kill the pigs’,” my friend Dangerous Bill replied. “They want to see the justice system working the way it was meant to.”

If liberals don’t want to ‘kill the pigs,’ who are all those outsiders at the protest riots? I wondered.

If liberals don’t want to ‘kill the pigs,’ who posted that saying on Facebook?

If liberals don’t want to ‘kill the pigs,’ who is buying all the t-shirts?

Dangerous Bill brought me up short. “Angry people,” he said but “not necessarily ‘liberal’ in the Fox News sense of the word.”

Fox News has a sense that is different from yours and mine?

“Yes. It’s anyone who deviates in any way from teabagger ideology.” [emphasis added]

And that’s the mistake I made.

Dangerous Bill and others blame all things that Liberals hate on teabaggers and the teabagger ideology.

I want to overthrow Obamacare. I must be a “teabagger.”

I want government to stop spending my great-great-great-great-grandchildren’s inheritance. I must be a “teabagger.”

I want the Administration to obey the law. I must be a “teabagger.”

And, see, that’s the problem. Plenty of people who believe those ideals are indeed in the Tea Party but millions of Americans believe those ideals and are found in every other political persuasion.

Like Dangerous Bill, I blame all the bad things that Liberals do on liberals and the Liberal ideology.

It may be too broad a brush.

I’ve never met anyone but a liberal who would say “Kill the Pigs” and mean it, but I’ve met many, many Liberals who would never do so. And most of those decry anyone who would.

So.

I’ve now learned not to tar all Liberals with that “teabagger” brush some liberals wield.