Category Archives: Sex

Shack Attack

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Another Random Fancy from the “You Just Won’t Believe This” Department:

Gov. Rick Scott (R-FL) signed 20 new laws in April including a bill that immediately repealed Florida’s 148-year-old ban on cohabitation. The Pillow Police are bereft.

§ 798.02 Lewd and lascivious behavior. — If any man and woman, not being married to each other, lewdly and lasciviously associate and cohabit together, or if any man or woman, married or unmarried, engages in open and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior, they shall be guilty of a misdemeanor of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083.

Unmarried couples, polyamorists, and RWBs1 shacking up in Florida can now rest easy that their living arrangement is not breaking the law, thanks to the state’s Republican governor and co-sponsor Rep. Rick Stark (D-Weston).

Couple in BedThe law made it a second-degree misdemeanor for an unmarried man and woman to “lewdly and lasciviously associate and cohabit together.” It has been on the books since 1868.

Because of its wording, §798.02 never applied to same-sex couples. Or goats.

The offense could be punished by up to 60 days in jail or a $500 fine.

Rep. Stark reported that police rarely, if ever, enforced the statute but that’s not true. Nearly 700 people were charged under the Florida law between 2005 and 2011 and 104 people faced charges in 2011 alone. (In 2005, Michigan’s cohabitation law was used to restrict visitation rights for a divorced father. The Virginia law was used to revoke a woman’s daycare license because she was cohabitating in the 1990s.)

I’ve always been proud that nearly 10% of Florida’s 46,105 sworn officers and state’s attorney investigators were part of the famed Panther’s Pillow Police.

Five conservative Republicans opposed repeal. Obviously conservative Republicans have a vested interest in continuing the Pillow Police. I haven’t quite figured out why, when eleven of this country’s 100 most dangerous cities are in Florida. Maybe they need the $500 fines to balance the budget.

Ironically “Virginia is for Lovers” waited until 2013 to repeal its cohabitation ban. 25 Virginia legislators — 21 Republicans, three Democrats and one independent — voted against the repeal. They needed the fines, too. Yeah, that’s it.

The unbelievable part of this story is that Florida was still one of three states with laws to prohibit unmarried cohabitation; Michigan and Mississippi remain.

1 Roomie With Benefits

 

Sex on the Beach

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Titillating.

According to Wikipedia, there are two general types of the cocktail: one made from vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, and cranberry juice and one made from vodka, Chambord, Midori Melon Liqueur, pineapple juice, and cranberry juice. The former is an International Bartenders Association official cocktail but the latter is listed in the Mr. Boston Official Bartender’s Guide.

Both come with the warning that “this drink is not the for the faint of heart.”

A Google search for “sex on the beach” turned up about 313,000,000 results in 0.27 seconds.

Sex on the Beach
Apparently, that’s not for the faint of heart, either.

A Florida couple convicted in May of having sex on the beach up in Manatee County faced up to 15 years behind bars and must register as sex offenders for “illicit public sexcapades.”

The jury deliberated for about 15 minutes after watching sex-on-the-beach video during the 2-day trial.

A grandmother on Cortez Beach in Bradenton filmed the couple in what we once called “in flagrante delicto.” The prosecutor showed the video in court. The Associated Press reported that the video “showed [a 20-year old woman] moving on top of the 40-year-old caballero] in a sexual manner in broad daylight. Witnesses testified that a 3-year-old girl saw them.”

Illicit public sexcapades?

The couple declined the prosecutor’s plea deal offer. “We gave them a reasonable offer, what we felt was reasonable, and they decided it wasn’t something they wanted to accept responsibility for,” the prosecutor told The Miami Herald. “Despite the video, despite all the witnesses.”

A Google search for “sex on the beach video” returned only about 213,000,000 results in 0.25 seconds although none of them were the Bradenton grandmother’s production.

Ya gotta wonder about that granny, shooting a bad porn video on the beach. Why wasn’t she prosecuted?

A different bad guy attacked and stabbed a person he had followed home from the Wells Fargo in Sarasota. Cops believe the suspect is a white male in his twenties with short dark hair who drives a mid-nineties 4-door Mercedes Benz.

Not caught. Not prosecuted.

On the other hand, a Manatee County couple will spend time behind bars animal cruelty at their Manatee County shelter. The couple was charged last year after sheriff’s deputies raided the Napier Log Cabin Horse and Animal Sanctuary and confiscated some 300 animals. Convicted in February, she was sentenced to 270 days in county jail followed by three years of probation. he got 36 months followed by four years on probation. Both are also prohibited from owning or possessing animals.

Ya gotta wonder about a prosecutor spending a couple of days at trial and pushing for 15 year sentences on a couple making love. I guess they were the low hanging fruit, far more important than stabbings or abusing 300 animals.

I’ve never figured that sand was particularly lubricious, but if SWMBO or Caitlin, or Fanny, or Liz, or Missy wants to try geezer sex on the beach, I’m sure we can find a spot where Bradenton Granny isn’t around to shoot porn with her video cam.

 

Transmogrifying

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Yawn. Last night, a former Olympian revealed a secret that we’ve all known for decades.

I just can’t see that it’s news. I mean, I understand that Bruce Jenner likes being in the spotlight but does it have any impact on you or me? How about the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow has filed for divorce?

I reckon the question of the National Security Agency’s warrantless surveillance or the fact that !@#$%^Comcast and Time Warner Cable have abandoned their deal (for now) (until regulator and congressional scrutiny returns to Bruce Jenner) is a lot more important.

Bottom line? If Dave Pfaff of West Underwear, Pennsylvania, tried to get to Diane Sawyer with his lifelong struggle over gender, do you think Ms. Sawyer or we would give him the time of day?

So why should we do so for Bruce Jenner?

Bringing the (Movie) Audience to Attention

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Viacom had an exclusive deal to hype the raunchy R-Rated new comedy, Movie 43, starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, and Richard Gere (really). The movie opens today.

“Prepare for a motion picture experience that’s unforgivable!”

movie posterMovie 43 will riff up blacks, the blind, dwarves, high school boys, women, homeless, homeless women, and pretty much every other politically incorrect group except straight middle-class white guys.

Warning. Once you’ve seen this, you can’t unsee it.

Viacom, parent company of Comedy Central, MTV, BET and VH1, promotes its own Paramount Studios content vigorously in-house. I’m thinking they saw a nice tie-in to get paid to advertise a movie that stars (alphabetically) Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Halle Berry, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Josh Duhamel, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Hugh Jackman, Justin Long, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace Moretz, Chris Pratt, Liev Schreiber, Seann William Scott, Emma Stone, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Patrick Warburton, Naomi Watts, Kate Winslet, and more on all of their cable channels.

You may have seen the world premiere of the film’s PG trailer on Tosh.0. He gave his audience the first link for the real trailer (caution, YouTube will make you sign in to see it). That led to some 4 million views. Spike plastered the arena at a live mixed-martial arts fight with pictures. MTV is running a “Balls Out Uncensored Weekend Sweepstakes.”

But wait! There’s more!

Movie 43 is also advertising on hardcore porn sites including YouPorn, the popular but sort of XXX-rated YouTube.

It’s not the first time. Viacom’s Paramount Vantage unit paved the way with 2010’s Luke Wilson movie Middle Men. The ads then and now weren’t just those flashing banners to drag your attention away from the regular content. These commercials are full trailers and more.

YouPorn, the free pornographic video sharing website, is advertising supported. Launched in 2006, the Porn 2.0 (Web 2.0) site has become the most popular adult website on the internet and is one of the top 100 sites worldwide. The Top-100 include Facebook and Twitter, Tumblr and Google, and now perhaps the No Puffin Perspective. YouPorn consumes more than three terabytes of bandwidth daily.

Probably shouldn’t search for the trailer from the office although “searching for the trailer and this just, um, popped up” strikes me as a unique and fully excusable reason to visit a steamy site.

On the plus side, here’s a movie with no character and a potty load of brainless funnies. It’s very slick and wildly offensive. And it’s advertised on YouPorn. I think we have a winner.

It’s Always All About the Sex

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I live on an island of 700 people. I have spent most of my life in towns or townships of fewer than a few thousand. Very few. I’m used to my neighbors usually knowing that I wear yellow pants when I mow and what I had for breakfast yesterday morning.

“If you can’t pee off your front porch,” Joe Rainville once told me, “you don’t have enough land.”

I can’t do that here although I’ve never had any difficulty in North Puffin, nor on the former farm where I grew up. On the other hand, most regular readers and all of my neighbors know the details of my love life, my eye surgery a couple of months ago, and the color of my shorts today (blue).

I may be a bit unusual.

Still, in this day and age when peeps tweet about the quality of their morning poop, sext their cow-orkers, admit to NY Magazine “Yeah, I am naked on the Internet,” and blog about the in-laws from hell, abortions, their abusive parents and jailed kids, and going broke over and over and over again, maybe not all that unusual.

survey signThe conservative blogosphere (unrelated to Faux News favorite politician, “our Blago”) is all atwitter this week about how nosy Florida is about at your house. The conservative blogosphere is nutso about sex.

The Department of Health here has asked some 4,100 young women for intimate details of their sex lives. State officials said the survey will help them understand women’s need for and approach to family-planning services.

This may be the cheapest survey a government ever ran. Officials who say the survey determines women’s need for and approach to family-planning services gave participants a $10 CVS gift card. The state spent $45,000 on the 46-question survey over the last couple of months.

If that includes the $41,000 worth of gift cards, I want these folks to do all my future marketing surveys.

Participants were asked how many men they had sex with over the last year, whether a man ever poked holes in a condom to get them pregnant and how they felt emotionally the last time they had unprotected sex.

782 women have returned completed surveys.

“Some of the questions are incredibly offensive and invasive,” a male Broward County a political consultant, told the Sun Sentinel. Did I mention that the conservative blogosphere is nutso about sex?

The survey uses questions that already appear in other surveys in use nationally, state Surgeon General Dr. John Armstrong said. Not to mention appearing in most issues of Cosmopolitan. The magazine also “gets to the bottom of your intimate sex questions. Nothing (and we mean nothing) is off limits.”

Florida was perhaps gentler.

  • How did you feel emotionally when you had unprotected sex?
    The question delved into the mysteries of whether the women were trying to get pregnant, in the “heat of the moment and just went with the flow,” or found the man attractive and “thought it would be nice to have a baby with him?” Sounds like something family-planners need to know.
    They also asked if respondents felt “powerless” or “emotionally connected with [a] partner during sex.”
  • How old were you when you first had sex?
  • The last time you had sex with a man did you do anything to keep from getting pregnant? If not, why not?
  • Has a sexual partner ever ”Physically forced you to have sex?” or ”Hurt you physically because you did not agree to get pregnant?”
    That gets right to it. Unless you are a rug-chewing Republican with odd notions about rape.
  • How much do you weigh?
    OK, even I know better than to ask that.

I reckon I could come up with more intrusive (and less statistically useful) questions.

  • What date did you rob your last bank?
  • How often do you use crack cocaine?
  • Have you had gastric bypass surgery?”

“It’s really important to emphasize,” Dr. Armstrong said, “that we want people to be informed so that they can manage their health.”

I could wish the sampling methodology gave me a better sense of statistical accuracy about the answers so I could generalize it to the population. This survey reeks of problems with respondent motivation, honesty, memory, self-selection bias, and the simple ability to respond. Still Dr. Armstrong got it exactly right. We need people to be informed.

782 women have returned completed surveys.

Florida’s Gov. Rick Scott, unusually reactive to the blowing winds, is “glad to hear the department has stopped using it.”

Maybe if they had called it a Health Survey instead of a Sex Survey. Or asked Cosmo to run it…