Whew, A New Year Looms

The crazed and the sketchy got out to lunch more than usual this year.

Approved
Congress had a 7% approval rating which sounds like a 93% disapproval rating. And yet 95.4% of the encumbents who ran got re-elected. (Forty-one retired which is way more than the sixteen defeated.)

SWMBO got about a $26 Social Security raise for 2015 thanks to that magnificent 1.7% COLA. Oddly, her Medicare Advantage premium rose $43.

The University of Miami tried to sell endangered pine rockland to build a Walmart.

An intruder jumped the White House fence and ran straight in the White House unlocked front door where he then asked for a cup of coffee in the ceremonial tea room. OK, I made the last part up; he actually asked for parking validation.

Good Vibrations
The earth moved in South Puffin after a 5.0 magnitude earthquake off Cuba rattled Boot Key harbor near South Puffin. There was no tsunami.

A 27-year-old woman in Tampa allegedly slapped a 72-year-old woman who denied her friend request on Facebook. Another Florida woman is also facing a battery charge after she got into a fight with her twin sister over a vibrator. Battery.

Jobs
Two men stole used fry oil from D Hookers, the Fish House, and a McDonalds in South Puffin. They were arrested for trying to make a living off the fat of the land.

Former Kansas state rep, former Kansas Insurance Commissioner, former Kansas governor Kathleen Sebelius resigned from her position as Secretary of Health and Unaffordable Care Services when Healthcare.gov enrolled 157 Americans but turned away the 12 million who lost their insurance. She will take a “private” sector job with Government Motors supervising 45 recalls of 28 million cars. It is expected that more than 300 cars will be repaired before the end of 2015.

Bathing
Someone tied a skeleton to an underwater post near the Seven Mile Bridge right around my birthday (I was in North Puffin. Really). We think that had nothing to do with …

A Great White Shark named Katharine stopped in at my beach. She’s the 14 foot, 2,300 pound, Great White who swam from Cape Cod to the Gulf of Mexico and back. She pinged about 20 miles out here over Memorial Day weekend. She had traveled more than 3,600 miles since she was tagged last year. She was also following the Local10 reporter reporting on her. Katharine has her own Twitter account (@Shark_Katharine), of course.

Taking a Bath
Eight vintage Corvettes disappeared in a sinkhole in Bowling Green.

The N.J. Turnpike is apparently going into the pizza business. That state agency sued Boardwalk Pizza here in the Keys because the pizza joint’s sign is too similar the Garden State Parkway signs. Both circular logos are green with a yellow border. The turnpike’s says “Garden State” along the top, while Boardwalk’s says “Jersey Boardwalk.” The middle of the Turnpike’s logo say’s “Parkway” while Boardwalk’s says “Pizza Co.” The Turnpike logo has no words along the bottom of the circle; Boardwalk’s says “Subs. Cheesesteaks. Pasta.”

You Can’t Make This [$#!*] Up
The Throne Thrusters modified a porta-potty in LaPorte, Indiana, and launched it into the sky this month. It described an elegant arc and nearly landed on a spectator’s pickup truck almost half a mile away. The thrusters spokesman said it wasn’t “barnyard engineering.” NASA’s Orion also launched, flew, and landed with “bullseye” precision.

A white man who hates black men once owned an NBA basketball team. He was harshly penalized which may tie in to …

Dennis Rodman made his thirty-fourth visit to North Korea to play some one-on-one with his misunderstood pal Kim Jong Un. Sadly, he won this final game; Mr. Kim retaliated by bombing Mr. Rodman’s PlayStation.

The FBI investigated hundreds of naked-celebrity photos spread across the Interwebs that hundreds of naked-celebrities intelligently took with their smartphones. Meanwhile, the NSA announced it had no access to any personal information on naked-celebrity smartphones, only their measurements.

More people watched the styrofoam coolers that didn’t come from Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 than watched OJ run through the line of freeway traffic at 37 mph. Flight 370 is still missing. The NSA doesn’t know where it is, either.

Another Year (Almost) Gone
None of the 2014 stories measure up to this: “the sea hag” allegedly shot a 64-year-old man five times in the abdomen, back, and arm after he refused to give her a beer. They had gone to an elegant repast at the Brass Monkey and returned home. She went for her vibrator and he for a beer. She couldn’t find hers so she wanted his.

Let’s be careful out there in 2015.

 

1 thought on “Whew, A New Year Looms

  1. 2014 has been a great year. So far I have made it through 362 days without sex with a naked celebrity. Luckily for them I don’t have a Smartphone.

    My huge, 1997 Ford Explosion finally presented me with the unachievable task of spending $1000 to get it through the State Inspection rigor. It has a book value of $2k; so it has been relegated to being a parked storage facility in my garage. Right now its cargo section is brim-full of Jack Daniels. Securely locked, for sure.

    No one in my immediate family contracted Ebola, but my youngest grandson did have an outbreak of facial pimples. They will disappear once he clears puberty.

    I mentioned in private e-mail correspondences that I survived Christmas with my liberal In-Laws. They served Hazelnut coffee, Dill Pickle flavored peanuts and Strawberry beer. It wasn’t until the morning after Christmas that I discovered the chocolate cookies my SIL sent home with us were lemon flavored. Did I mention they are liberals?

    One of my outside cats has glaucoma and has to be led to his food with sounds of a spoon tapping on a can of tuna. Today I went to the bank and withdrew $5K for tuition for my granddaughters in Nursing school.

    I can’t wait for 2015. It arrives any day now.

    — George

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