Air conditioned tents are the best kind.
Sports Are Gay
I’ve been visiting Phoenix for a bit. Phoenix is the hottest major city in North America. Period. This past week has been unnaturally hot. Naturally, when a friend offered a couple of tickets to a Diamondbacks game, I jumped at the chance.
They opened the roof on Chase Field. 101° Outside. They opened the roof.
The Arizona Diamondbacks are a Major League Baseball team in the National League Western Division. Since their arrival as an expansion team in 1998, the D-Backs have won one World Series and four National League Western Division Championshops.
Nancy is now five for five in game lore. She picked Jimmy Johnson to win the Sprint Cup race she attended with Anne. She picked the Giants to win the spring training game she attended with Don. She picked the Giants to win the game we attended this week. She picked the Suns over the champion Celtics in a basketball game she attended with her dad. And she helped the Arizona Rattlers arena foo’ball team score when she caught their game with TUFKAS.
I, on the hand, maintained my own record; no team I root for has ever won a game I have attended. I think that even counts for games I’ve watched on television. My high school buddy Jon Matlack would have become a 20 game winner had I stopped watching sooner.
See, that’s two reasons I think sports are gay.
Huh? you say.
Bear with me. Sports are the big macho guy stuff but Nancy is most assuredly a girl. When a girl can outdo all the guys around her, that must make the games, well, girly.
Everyone knows a girly man is gay. Nancy’s great scores bring statistics to this story. Statisticians are gay, too.
There’s more.
Ever been to a soccer game? Bunch of guys running around playing group grab ass whenever anyone scores a goal. Even the advertisers think wrestling is that way. And don’t even start on figure skating.
There’s a reason the Greeks ran naked Olympics.
Then there are the fans. Fans are like teenage girls memorizing the shoe size (RBIs) and eye color (AB) and innings pitched (IP) of their heart throbs. Gay men are the most dedicated of fans.
Most of the Giants and D-Backs players gave the signs but the Giants’ powerful left fielder Cody Ross simply has to be gay.-1- I watched him do the usual dance in the batters box. Stroking his bat. Tapping his dancing shoes. Wiggling. Adjusting his cup just so. All that is pretty normal. It was the dip that convinced me. See after the gyrations, after the adjustments, he squatted down and popped back up at home plate. A dip.
And here you thought I meant the can o’ dip.
Gay sports is a bit of ADHD from the important topic of the day: how dipping gas prices are a conspiracy to hold down the Social Security Cost of Living Allowance. We got on riff about it at the ballpark. The Giants fan in the orange t-shirt in front of us was not amused.
Editor’s note: one part of this story was satire. Mr. Ross and his wife live most of the year in Scottsdale, Arizona, with their two young children. I do not really think he is gay. The rest is true.
The Aftermath – Part VII, Ball Game
For the record, I adore Nancy’s balls.
Also for the record, it might have seemed strange to be on a date with Nancy and Don.
It is worth noting that Don was in California, cheering as the Giants hammered the Diamondbacks on Chase Field in P-hoenix. The guy is such an impassioned sports follower and rabid Giants fan, he was listening over the Interweb. Nancy and I were in the stadium watching as the Giants hammered the D-Backs. So much for the home field advantage.
Nancy is now three for three. She picked Jimmy Johnson to win the Sprint Cup race she attended with Anne. She picked the Giants to win the spring training game she attended with Don. She picked the Giants to win the game she attended with me. I, on the hand, maintained my own record; no team I root for has ever won a game I have attended.
It wasn’t too bad when the Giants scored the first run in the top of the first and Nancy texted Don to crow. It wasn’t too bad when the Giants held the D-Backs scoreless inning after inning and Don texted Nancy to crow. It wasn’t even too too bad when the Giants scored again in the fourth and Nancy and Don texted some more. When The Giants scored three runs in the fifth, I could tell the D-Backs were in a slump. Nothing slumping in the data flow, though.
Both teams went through five pitchers.
Of course, I was texting Anne at the same time Nancy was texting Don. I was trying to try to figure out if the teams were National League or American League. We probably should have asked Don. And Nancy had been texting me while she and Don watched that Spring training game. Come to think of it, both girls were texting me from the Sprint Cup Race; I don’t know if either of them texted Don that day.
Nancy asked me right after the ballgame if I minded that we were sitting there at the game while she rattled back and forth with the guy who wasn’t there.
Nope.
I’ve learned that reaching out and touching each other — those little keep alive messages — are the most important part of our friendship.
“But she’s supposed to be focused on you…”
The fact that she has room to share a funny story or upload a picture of her balls doesn’t detract a bit from what we, Nancy and I, have together. It adds to what we all have in our lives.
Besides, dogs don’t care if you’re naked.
[Editors Note: gekko and I shared the four-part polylocution that lead up to these afterposts. Please visit The Poly Posts for the entire series and for other resources.]
Frabjous Friday
At the end of a week, one should pause and reflect on what one has learned that week. I’ve had several fabulous days in the salon, tanning and getting a workout spa treatment as I gap-filled a crumbly stone and concrete wall.
I have learned that, when I install the pilings and two small slabs for the new porch, I shall build forms and call the Redi-Mix truck!
Premte Peeves
I do not understand the weather sites. Inaccuweather forecast the following for this week:
Monday, 100°, Bright sunshine and hot
Tuesday, 102°, Sunny and seasonably hot
Wednesday, 101°, Sunny and very warm
Thursday, 105°, Sunny and very warm
Friday, 109°, Hot with sunshine
Saturday, 105°, Very warm with sunshine
Sunday, 106°, Sunny and hot
100° is hot. Got it.
109° is hot. I agree. Boy howdy.
105° is very warm? Starting to sound pretty “breezy” around here.