I’ve been visiting Phoenix for a bit. Phoenix is the hottest major city in North America. Period. This past week has been unnaturally hot. Naturally, when a friend offered a couple of tickets to a Diamondbacks game, I jumped at the chance.
They opened the roof on Chase Field. 101° Outside. They opened the roof.
The Arizona Diamondbacks are a Major League Baseball team in the National League Western Division. Since their arrival as an expansion team in 1998, the D-Backs have won one World Series and four National League Western Division Championshops.
Nancy is now five for five in game lore. She picked Jimmy Johnson to win the Sprint Cup race she attended with Anne. She picked the Giants to win the spring training game she attended with Don. She picked the Giants to win the game we attended this week. She picked the Suns over the champion Celtics in a basketball game she attended with her dad. And she helped the Arizona Rattlers arena foo’ball team score when she caught their game with TUFKAS.
I, on the hand, maintained my own record; no team I root for has ever won a game I have attended. I think that even counts for games I’ve watched on television. My high school buddy Jon Matlack would have become a 20 game winner had I stopped watching sooner.
See, that’s two reasons I think sports are gay.
Huh? you say.
Bear with me. Sports are the big macho guy stuff but Nancy is most assuredly a girl. When a girl can outdo all the guys around her, that must make the games, well, girly.
Everyone knows a girly man is gay. Nancy’s great scores bring statistics to this story. Statisticians are gay, too.
There’s more.
Ever been to a soccer game? Bunch of guys running around playing group grab ass whenever anyone scores a goal. Even the advertisers think wrestling is that way. And don’t even start on figure skating.
There’s a reason the Greeks ran naked Olympics.
Then there are the fans. Fans are like teenage girls memorizing the shoe size (RBIs) and eye color (AB) and innings pitched (IP) of their heart throbs. Gay men are the most dedicated of fans.
Most of the Giants and D-Backs players gave the signs but the Giants’ powerful left fielder Cody Ross simply has to be gay.-1- I watched him do the usual dance in the batters box. Stroking his bat. Tapping his dancing shoes. Wiggling. Adjusting his cup just so. All that is pretty normal. It was the dip that convinced me. See after the gyrations, after the adjustments, he squatted down and popped back up at home plate. A dip.
And here you thought I meant the can o’ dip.
Gay sports is a bit of ADHD from the important topic of the day: how dipping gas prices are a conspiracy to hold down the Social Security Cost of Living Allowance. We got on riff about it at the ballpark. The Giants fan in the orange t-shirt in front of us was not amused.
Editor’s note: one part of this story was satire. Mr. Ross and his wife live most of the year in Scottsdale, Arizona, with their two young children. I do not really think he is gay. The rest is true.
I like figure skating, which is pretty much dancing on ice, which has to be at least a lil bit gay, except for that one supersexy guy who did “Come On Aileen.” Now that was hot and not gay at all. Shut UP! It wasn’t! Mostly I don’t like the normal sports, though I spose I could sit through a baseball game and not complain too much…
No, what’s fun about sitting at baseball games is mocking the players a little, and watching people, enjoying the herd mentality, and feeling super superior to them all because they’re so into it and you’re just the uber-intelligent observer taking notes ‘n shit like that.
Oh, and when the score gets really really close at the end and the team you said you’d root for looks like they’re gonna lose and you suddenly realize you don’t want them to because that would spoil your so-far perfect record so you scream “GO YOU MOTHERFUCKERS STRIKE THAT FUCKWIT OUT FUCK SAKE” at the top of your lungs.
That’s really fun, too.
Good that baseball is the gentleman’s sport.
Baseball and basketball are totally gay. Soccer is bisexual. Football is so macho it’s clearly a front for homosexuals who like rough sex. Only hockey is hetero, but only when talking about your own team. The other team (hello boston!) is as gay as Oscar Wilde at nude yoga class on men’s night.
And don’t even get me started on things like pro bowling. That is the goat fucking of the sports world.
But let’s not equivalate girlishness with gayness. Ever suck a massive cock? Me neither, and I don’t plan to, but I gotta say that’s some macho-ass shit right there, Brutus.
I’m a sissyman. Give me boobs. Not even big ones. I know what I’m worthy of.