To the Nines

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Tiger Woods has proven yet again that when a man thinks with his little head, he might run into things with his big one. At least that’s what every pundit on network news says.

Mr. Woods made big news last week after driving his Cadillac Escalade into a fire plug. A neighbor called 911 to report that the accident and that he was “laying [unresponsive] on the ground.” Citing privacy and no requirement to do so, Mr. Woods talked neither to state troopers nor the media for three days after the accident.

He broke his silence to apologize for his “transgressions.”

“Apologize”?

“Transgressions”???

His wife, Elin, may very well have tried to beat him to death with a nine-iron, for heaven’s sake.

The billion dollar spokesman for all things manly blew a unique opportunity to stand up for common sense. He should have used his bully pulpit to stand up for men’s health.

The 14 most popular men’s health searches on webmd.com, in the order given, are gout, masturbation, jock itch, sex, vasectomy, chest pain, premature ejaculation, low testosterone, enlarged prostate, testicle pain, penis discharge, psa, ulcers, and colon cancer.

Fully half of the questions have to do with sex. A couple more if you consider that sex is probably what drives most men to have their prostates checked.

The ulcers question could round it out to an even ten if those ulcers come from grief we men get about sex. Or nine-irons.

Mr. Woods could have done what I’ve waited for politicians and public figures to do for decades: he could have spoken the truth.

Imagine if Tiger Woods had called a news conference. The networks would have sent all their “entertainment” talking heads, all their sports reporters, and even some actual news reporters. The State Police would have shown up. Heck even the Army Times would have been there.

“Is this thing on? I want to thank you all for coming today. I have a short statement and a handout for everyone here. It is in color and uses small words so everyone in the press corps can get it right on the news tonight.

“See this chart?” Mr. Woods could have said. “It is the most important thing I can say to you and to all my fans.”

The Five Things Men Need Most for Good Health

  • Eat tomatoes
  • Wear your seat belt
  • Quit smoking
  • Stop eating so much
  • Avoid cancer

“Orgasms don’t hurt you, either,” Mr. Woods could have said.

“Now, the question you all want to ask is this: ‘Did I have sex with that woman?’ Well, ladies and gentlemen, yes, I did. So what? It’s none of your business. None. If you want a story, print something useful. Otherwise, go home and the real story will be ‘News Media Refused to Publish What Tiger Said about Men’s Health’.

“Thank you all for coming to sunny Florida on this cold and rainy day in your northeastern offices.”

Oh, yeah. And it occurs to me that if I crunched my Escalade against a fire hydrant in North Puffin instead of Windermere, Florida, nobody in the media would care or notice. Even if someone had tried to beat me to death with a nine-iron.

Sleight of Something

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The Congressional Budget Office said Monday that the Senate health bill could significantly reduce costs for many people who buy health insurance on their own, and that it would not substantially change premiums for the vast numbers of Americans who receive coverage from large employers.

That’s good news, right?

But wait. There’s more! Before taking account of federal subsidies to help people buy insurance on their own, the budget office said the bill would tend to drive up premiums. But as a result of the subsidies most people in the individual insurance market would see their costs decline.

So We the TaxedPeople will be on the hook for $450 billion of subsidies so Congress can say your insurance premiums and mine will be lower.

Cool. I LOVE ObaMathematics.

Writing — It’s Not Just Cosmetic Anymore

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Leonard Pitts, Jr., broke the first rule of writing yesterday.

A Pulitzer Prize winner for opinion writing, Mr. Pitts is a nationally-syndicated newspaper columnist; I read him in the Miami Herald where his column runs every Sunday and Wednesday. He writes extensively about race, politics, and culture. He has won writing awards from the Society of Professional Journalists and the American Society of Newspaper Editors.

Writing awards?

[Special Note: This piece was edited December 7, 2009, to remove some of the ambiguity. See Writing — It’s Not for Sissies for more.]

Mr. Pitts devoted his column yesterday to answering an email from a reader named Dunbar. The reader had complained that an earlier column “on Sammy Sosa’s skin cream use is off base and sends a wrong message. The issue is the man’s character — not the color of his skin…”

“I’m intrigued that you ‘think’ you know what point I was trying to make,” Mr. Pitts replied. “The fact that you have to guess, that it wasn’t starkly obvious to you, suggests that what we have here is a gulf between life experiences. It brings to mind a parable to the effect that the rabbit and the bear will never agree on how threatening is the dog.”

Writing awards?

The first rule of writing is not Don’t call your reader an idiot. (That’s not a bad rule, though.)

I empathize with Mr. Pitts’ anguish that his white readers did not understand his Sosa column although I find his belief that only a writer with one leg can explain the life of an amputee condescending. The bigger issue is, “The fact that you have to guess …” thus bringing to mind the parable of the rabbit and the bear and the dog.

Sorry, Mr. Pitts, but it does no such thing.

Mr. Dunbar’s comment brings to my mind the concern that if Mr. Pitts’ writing generates perplexity from a broad spectrum of his readers, it may not be his readers’ understanding we should question. It may just be that he didn’t explain it well enough the first time around for those readers to understand what was so obvious to him.

I emailed Mr. Pitts this morning to tell him his “blaming the reader” dog don’t hunt.

He thoughtfully disagreed: “Even that failure on my part would still spring from a gulf of life experiences,” he replied. “As someone for whom this issue is an ever-present reality, it would not immediately occur to me that anything other than a cursory explanation was required.”

WASP that I am, I am perhaps too white to have that perspective. I am not now and have never been black or Hispanic. Nor have I ever been a major league baseball player. Nor a drunk. Nor a woman.

However, comma.

My job as a writer is to get it right.

I work hard to craft characters who might be black, Hispanic, drunk, female baseball players just as my northern neighbor, character-driven novelist Chris Bohjalian , did with the baseball players of Past the Bleachers and the trans-gendered woman of Trans-Sister Radio.

For the record #1, Mr. Pitts does “believe a writer with all four limbs can explain the life of an amputee just fine (I would hope so, since my new novel deals with a man who loses his arm), but the key difference is that the people he is explaining to can’t be reflexively defensive about amputation. They have to be open to, and want to, understand. Where race is concerned, I’m afraid that’s not always the case.”

For the record #2. I read the original column, Has it Made You Happy, Being White, so my critique is simple. Mr. Dunbar didn’t get it. And that is just what I’m talking about.

The first rule of writing is quite simply, Write so well that your readers understand you.

Dick Sizing Contest

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My old friend Lido (“Lee”) Bruhl is a true believer in ObaMathematics-1-. “We never made any claim to fiscal responsibility, as your Republicans keep doing,” he said this morning after he praised the Senate Health Bill. “The Republicans left the largest deficit ever, even allowing for two wars in progress.”

That has so many holes, I just don’t know where to drive my 18-wheeler first.

Fiscal responsibility. “I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits, either now or in the future.” Must have been a famous Republican president who said that.

“My” Republicans: Heh. I have retracted the Goofy vote. I keep trying to join the Librarian party. Unfortunately, they all want to shush me.

Deficits: Deficits are not a dick-sizing contest.

Warning: the following couple of paragraphs include actual fact and even two definitions about counting on your fingers.

The annual “Deficit” is simply the difference between government receipts and government spending.

The ongoing “National Debt” is the total cash money the federal government (that’s We the People) owes to the people and businesses and countries from whom the federal government has borrowed. The government “sells” Treasury Bills, Notes, Bonds and Savings Bonds, and more to our lenders. About 25% of the total national debt was held by foreign governments in 2007. Mainland China holds about $800 billion in addition to the $1.4 trillion cumulative trade imbalance. Each and every one of us We the Peoples owes about $30,400 on the national debt right now. Each. Cash money.

“George Bush left the largest deficit ever,” Lee repeated.

That’s simple obfuscation. There is no deficit “carryover.” The real issue is the national debt.

The United States has been a debtor nation since 1776. We borrowed money to finance the Revolution before we were even really a country. National debt varied through most of the 19th century and began a steady growth about 1910. F.D.R. and Harry Truman had Depression-era social programs plus World War II to pay for. They borrowed to do so. On average, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, and Carter grew the debt through 1980 at about the rate of inflation. In actual dollars, the national debt quadrupled under Reagan and George H. W. Bush and about doubled under George W. Bush although his early budget surpluses did decrease the debt from 2000-2002; it began to climb again with post 9-11 spending.

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A more telling piece of data than the billions of debt dollars is how that debt compares to how much we actually make.

The Gross Domestic Product (GDP) measures how much all the goods and services we make sell for in a year.

Let’s compare how the national debt rose against how the GDP rose.

By 1940, F.D.R.’s spending programs had raised the debt to more than 50% of GDP. Eisenhower inherited a debt over 90% of GDP but gave a debt of 56% of GDP to J.F.K. The debt hovered in the 30% range through about 1980 as the go-go economy grew. It was back over 50% of GDP by 1990 and 58% when G.W.B took office in 2000. Bush spending made half the new bump but the tanking economy and real GDP contraction made the debt jump from 65% to 70% by 2008. Now, after a year of ObaMathematics and a flat economy, the national debt is about 90% of GDP.

The 2010 ObaMathematics Budget will bump the debt another 10% to about 100% of GDP. It will remain there as long as real GDP growth (after inflation) actually happens. Since the consensus estimates from most analysts show much smaller growth in GDP, the debt will actually soar past 100% as ObaSpending continues. The CBO projects the debt to double again (to $20 trillion) by 2015. Other estimates take it higher.

Only one American President, Andrew Jackson, ever dropped the national debt to zero. That was on January 8, 1835. Every other president of every political persuasion has increased it.

“I guess you would rather have McCain who would have been amazing on international affairs, but even he admitted he had no ideas or platform for domestic recovery?” Lee said.

Under the circumstances, when the economic “recovery” programs created with ObaMathematics have created somewhere just south of zero new jobs and will run up the debt service We the People must pay to $700 billion per year (seven hundred billion dollars), “no ideas” for domestic recovery sounds like a pretty good idea. Or at least a cheaper one.

We should always choose a President who does nothing over one who does everything wrong.

-1-ObaMathematics is a combined arithmetic system in which “2 + 2 = 47,208” for very large values of 2 and after borrowing from the “4.”