To the Nines

Tiger Woods has proven yet again that when a man thinks with his little head, he might run into things with his big one. At least that’s what every pundit on network news says.

Mr. Woods made big news last week after driving his Cadillac Escalade into a fire plug. A neighbor called 911 to report that the accident and that he was “laying [unresponsive] on the ground.” Citing privacy and no requirement to do so, Mr. Woods talked neither to state troopers nor the media for three days after the accident.

He broke his silence to apologize for his “transgressions.”



His wife, Elin, may very well have tried to beat him to death with a nine-iron, for heaven’s sake.

The billion dollar spokesman for all things manly blew a unique opportunity to stand up for common sense. He should have used his bully pulpit to stand up for men’s health.

The 14 most popular men’s health searches on, in the order given, are gout, masturbation, jock itch, sex, vasectomy, chest pain, premature ejaculation, low testosterone, enlarged prostate, testicle pain, penis discharge, psa, ulcers, and colon cancer.

Fully half of the questions have to do with sex. A couple more if you consider that sex is probably what drives most men to have their prostates checked.

The ulcers question could round it out to an even ten if those ulcers come from grief we men get about sex. Or nine-irons.

Mr. Woods could have done what I’ve waited for politicians and public figures to do for decades: he could have spoken the truth.

Imagine if Tiger Woods had called a news conference. The networks would have sent all their “entertainment” talking heads, all their sports reporters, and even some actual news reporters. The State Police would have shown up. Heck even the Army Times would have been there.

“Is this thing on? I want to thank you all for coming today. I have a short statement and a handout for everyone here. It is in color and uses small words so everyone in the press corps can get it right on the news tonight.

“See this chart?” Mr. Woods could have said. “It is the most important thing I can say to you and to all my fans.”

The Five Things Men Need Most for Good Health

  • Eat tomatoes
  • Wear your seat belt
  • Quit smoking
  • Stop eating so much
  • Avoid cancer

“Orgasms don’t hurt you, either,” Mr. Woods could have said.

“Now, the question you all want to ask is this: ‘Did I have sex with that woman?’ Well, ladies and gentlemen, yes, I did. So what? It’s none of your business. None. If you want a story, print something useful. Otherwise, go home and the real story will be ‘News Media Refused to Publish What Tiger Said about Men’s Health’.

“Thank you all for coming to sunny Florida on this cold and rainy day in your northeastern offices.”

Oh, yeah. And it occurs to me that if I crunched my Escalade against a fire hydrant in North Puffin instead of Windermere, Florida, nobody in the media would care or notice. Even if someone had tried to beat me to death with a nine-iron.

6 thoughts on “To the Nines

  1. Not bad, Dick.
    In fact, I think this is the best treatment of the subject I have seen!
    That said, I would be happy to hear no more about it.

  2. It is difficult to imagine a wiry little woman overpowering a grown man with any kind of hand-held weapon that does not go ‘Bang’ when a triggering device is activated…unless, of course he is wrapped up in a bedsheet at the time or has been handcuffed to an immovable object after being rused into thinking it was just going to be some clean sex fun.

    Did anyone check to see if Tiger had a steam radiator chained to his wrist or if he had run out of the house decked out like a well-thrashed Klansman?

    We still don’t know how striking a hydrant/tree while still such a short distance from his house and in a sturdy GM SUV could leave him “laying on the ground” and looking dazed — especially since it was apparently so soft a hit that the bag did not inflate.

    Reports said that alcohol was not a factor, but no one knows that for sure; however, there’s nothing says a man can’t get drunk in his own house…as long as he doesn’t try to drive. But even then, driving under the influence might be justified if someone had just wrapped you up in a sheet and beat you soundly on in and about the 19-th hole.

    If I may quote from a previous blog entry, “I don’t get it.”

  3. He should not have said “Yes, I did.” He should have done everything you said he should have done except that. The correct answer is, “None of your fucking business. Fuck off, fucking fuckers.”

  4. @gekko: “None of your fucking business.”

    I don’t disagree. It is exactly that.

    The other side of the story, though, is the double advantage of telling the truth. In this case, telling the truth not only stops the story cold, it also gives us the opportunity to remind viewers and readers that it’s OK for tigers to have sex.

  5. Well, Seen-yore blogmeister, here I slightly disagree.

    While I agree that it is none of media’s business if Tiger Woods or any celeb or ordinary mortal has an extra-marital affair, such permissiveness does not simply make it “Okay”. Extra marital sex is not okay.

    I say that because even though media are neither judges nor moral advocates for anyone, it is nevertheless true that a sustaining and productive society is built on marital fidelity–albeit (admittedly) often surreptitiously compromised. And anything less leads to certain breakdown of the family structure. Try it and see.

    By that I mean (IMHO) Adult-tree (damn that’s clever) is not the sort of flora a married/family man should have growing in the yard where his children play and interact.

    Of course, Tiger still had the option of telling media to take a hike; and he could have. But he had previously assumed the high road of marital fidelity along with the accepted standards of a married man’s devotion to his family. It was in all the papers — hence his embarrassment (and veiled apology) when someone blew the whistle on him, and his wife may have whupped his black ass with an iron.

    I don’t know what I would have done because I’ve never cheated on Mrs Poleczech — and I have all my teeth to prove it –. But I think the first person I would have called would have been my State Farm Agent.

    I mean, that’s a damn nice vehicle.

    — George

Comments are closed.