Tiger Woods has proven yet again that when a man thinks with his little head, he might run into things with his big one. At least that’s what every pundit on network news says.
Mr. Woods made big news last week after driving his Cadillac Escalade into a fire plug. A neighbor called 911 to report that the accident and that he was “laying [unresponsive] on the ground.” Citing privacy and no requirement to do so, Mr. Woods talked neither to state troopers nor the media for three days after the accident.
He broke his silence to apologize for his “transgressions.”
His wife, Elin, may very well have tried to beat him to death with a nine-iron, for heaven’s sake.
The billion dollar spokesman for all things manly blew a unique opportunity to stand up for common sense. He should have used his bully pulpit to stand up for men’s health.
The 14 most popular men’s health searches on webmd.com, in the order given, are gout, masturbation, jock itch, sex, vasectomy, chest pain, premature ejaculation, low testosterone, enlarged prostate, testicle pain, penis discharge, psa, ulcers, and colon cancer.
Fully half of the questions have to do with sex. A couple more if you consider that sex is probably what drives most men to have their prostates checked.
The ulcers question could round it out to an even ten if those ulcers come from grief we men get about sex. Or nine-irons.
Mr. Woods could have done what I’ve waited for politicians and public figures to do for decades: he could have spoken the truth.
Imagine if Tiger Woods had called a news conference. The networks would have sent all their “entertainment” talking heads, all their sports reporters, and even some actual news reporters. The State Police would have shown up. Heck even the Army Times would have been there.
“Is this thing on? I want to thank you all for coming today. I have a short statement and a handout for everyone here. It is in color and uses small words so everyone in the press corps can get it right on the news tonight.
“See this chart?” Mr. Woods could have said. “It is the most important thing I can say to you and to all my fans.”
The Five Things Men Need Most for Good Health
- Eat tomatoes
- Wear your seat belt
- Quit smoking
- Stop eating so much
- Avoid cancer
“Orgasms don’t hurt you, either,” Mr. Woods could have said.
“Now, the question you all want to ask is this: ‘Did I have sex with that woman?’ Well, ladies and gentlemen, yes, I did. So what? It’s none of your business. None. If you want a story, print something useful. Otherwise, go home and the real story will be ‘News Media Refused to Publish What Tiger Said about Men’s Health’.
“Thank you all for coming to sunny Florida on this cold and rainy day in your northeastern offices.”
Oh, yeah. And it occurs to me that if I crunched my Escalade against a fire hydrant in North Puffin instead of Windermere, Florida, nobody in the media would care or notice. Even if someone had tried to beat me to death with a nine-iron.