Hold the Mayo?

I forgot the mayonnaise.

I hate it when that happens but that’s not (exactly) what this story is about.

Lunch. Kay Ace came over for lunch. I carved off some roasted turkey breast, some not-too-too-bad cheddar cheese, one of the marvelous Homestead tomatoes we picked up at the Flea Market, and sliced some of the faux sourdough bread I made in the bread machine the day before.

Kay is nuts. I’m not sure if I had made that clear before. She asked for mustard for her sandwich.

Mustard.

On tomatoes.

And turkey.

Nuts, I tell you.

Liz Arden poked her head in about then. “Mmm. Mustard on tomatoes and turkey. Mmmmm,” she said.

Nuts. I’m surrounded by them.

Jar of MayoI was so befuddled, I forgot to spread the mayonnaise on my own sandwich. It was a little dry but that tomato is so good, it was still right fair. I recognized what I was missing a couple of bites in. Remedied same. Lunch was sublime even with the slight, sharp aroma of mustard wafting from the other side of the table.

Mustard has its place. Any food that begins with “ham” needs mustard which is why hamburgers need mustard (and ketchup). Ditto hot dogs although they are mostly chicken. Brats and kielbasa and soft pretzels. Meatloaf sandwiches. Cheddar cheese on Ritz crackers needs just a tiny dab and a sweet gherkin pickle or two. And one should combine it with the mayo in potato salad. Not on ice cream, though.

The Romans mixed “must” (unfermented grape juice) with ground mustard seeds to make mustum ardens which translates as “burning must.” It’s also how we got the name “must ard.”

On the other hand, Kay puts mayo on her fries. That’s just wrong.

Mayonnaise is mostly fat; a single tablespoon serving contains 90 calories. No wonder we like it so much.

Mayo does go on turkey or chicken sandwiches and is especially perfect to bed slices of hard boiled egg. One could even add slices of bananas to that. Grilled apple, bacon and provolone sandwich is made perfect by mayo. It is the basis for tartar sauce, Thousand Island, and ranch dressings. I mix it with ketchup and Worcestershire sauce to make my “Russian” dressing.

For the record, if you put mayo on steamed broccoli it tastes a little like an artichoke.

Homemade mayo will spoil after 3-4 days but the commercial concoction uses pasteurized egg yolks and has so much acid and preservatives that it will extend the life of unrefrigerated sandwiches and salads by killing bacteria.

Now to the point: the vast squeeze bottle conspiracy.

I finally went back to the kitchen and put a dab of mayo on my sandwich.

Actually, that’s not exactly true. I tried to put a little dab of mayo on my sandwich and ended up with a monstrous glob of the stuff in the shape of the Great State of Texas on the bread.

I am disappointed.

The mayo folks have learned what the mustard folks have known for years. Why sell 32 ounces when you can sell 24 for the same price? In fact, why not water down the product a little so it squirts easier? After all, we’ll sell more.

<sigh>

In our next episode, Why doesn’t chocolate cake batter taste like chocolate cake?

 

Pop It

I almost managed to ignore an online quiz the other day:

    What’s your favorite kind of popcorn when you’re at home watching movies?

  • Butter
  • Healthy-style
  • Salty
  • I don’t eat popcorn

Who doesn’t eat popcorn?

And why do you have to be watching a movie?

We need a replacement for the microwave popcorn popper the Posts gave us as a Christmas present (not a wedding present as I had remembered) a few decades ago. It worked perfectly. The bowl shape allowed the kernels to explode from a well at the bottom but kept the unpopped ones in that concentrated area for best heating. Pretty much every kernel popped and rarely did any burn. Sadly, it cracked up the side and around the edges and ended up spilling more fluffy, white, popped goodness inside the oven than inside our tummies.

microwave popcorn popping bowlI think air popping is the best way to explode corn kernels; it doesn’t add oil and it doesn’t toughen them the way a microwave can. That said, I prefer microwave popping anyway because it requires the least clean up. I definitely do not prefer the overpriced single-serving bags1.

Woolworth’s was still in business back when they bought that popper; they probably paid about $1.99 but it may have been as much as six or seven bucks. I figure that translates to no more than ten bucks in today’s non-inflationary economy.

Inflation is such an important word. A kernel of corn has three essential components, the outer hull, the endosperm which is starch and water, and the embryo.

The water in a popcorn kernel plays the crucial part in the popping process. When we heat the kernel to about 400°F, the water found inside hull along with the starchy endosperm turns into steam which expands it to about 40 or 50 times its original size. All that steam pressure inflates the hard starch in the endosperm which, in turn, makes the hull pop (it actually flips inside out to allow the steam to escape). Microwave ovens are better at heating water than almost any other kitchen tool.

Google is my friend™. Some of the time.

I found what, by illustration, looks exactly like the Posty Popper. And at $4.95 (plus shipping and handling) it was such a deal I bought two, one for North Puffin and one for South.

You can spend a lot more than ten bucks on a gourmet popper, even a simple plastic one, so I doubt if this plastic bowl rises to that level.

In fact, it is a disappointment. The first batch burned in about 20 seconds of popping. The second batch, half the size of the first, lasted a little longer before the flames appeared.

I searched again and found an “Amish Country Popcorn Microwave Popcorn Bowl.” Ten bucks. The description calls this microwave bowl “a great alternative to ‘the bag’! The bowl and lid are dishwasher safe.

Huh.

Odd to think that the Amish might have microwaves and dishwashers.

I stocked up on sandwich bags. I haven’t burned any of them down yet.


1A one-pound bag of do-it-yourself popcorn in the grocery store here — good for about 10 “individual” Dunning-sized servings — costs a couple-three bucks; paper sandwich bags add another three cents each to the cost.

Predilection for Prediction

It is indeed the official day for prognostication.

I predict it will not snow in the Keys again this year. It pretty much never snows here but we had the first ever sighting of razorbills in December, so you never know. They’re strange little North Atlantic seabirds that look like flying footballs. The global climate change-driven colder water up north could be the reason a few decided to be snowbirds here.

We will not see 99.9 cent gasoline again until TSHTF. I remember 29.9 cent gas but I was earning about a buck an hour at that time. On the other hand gasoline stayed under a buck from the 1920s until 1980 and had about a 26-year run below $2 that ended in about 2006.

!@#$%^ Comcast’s CEO Brian L Roberts says he has learned from Apple how to “make things fun.” The very fact that the head of the second most reviled company in America is even talking to Apple sent shivers through the tech world. (Mr. Roberts told Forbes that his company has lost subscribers throughout his tenure due to increased competition and the fact the company didn’t offer the “best suite of products.” It had nothing to do with the fact that they raise prices $1 each and every time a customer finds a better choice.)

I don’t think Apple will use Bombast to roll out AppleTV. Apple’s cash pile could hit $200 billion next year. Comcast’s market cap is about $97 billion. I predict Apple will BUY !@#$%^Comcast and make it AppleTV.

According to a new Pew Research study, 85% percent of U.S. adults own a mobile phone but only 56% have a smartphone. Worldwide, the total number of smartphones passed 1 billion last year. There are 6 billion cell phone subscribers on Earth. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer declined to comment on whether Microsoft would make its own smartphone but Microsoft is working with component suppliers in Asia to test its own smartphone designs. Since there are an astonishing 85 million adult cellphone users in the U.S. without a smartphone (and a corresponding 5 billion worldwide), Microsoft doesn’t need to think about early adopters. Microsoft doesn’t need to think about iSheep. Microsoft doesn’t need to think about Droids. I predict Microsoft can win the smartphone race if it simply gets most of the newbies.

gadgetsI further predict I will not get a smartphone in 2013.

I believe there will be a 2013 NHL season. I predict no one will notice.

I further predict that police will disarm samarai  sword-wielding naked men. But probably not in the District of Columbia.

The Belgian monks at St. Sixtus Abbey will give up the title of priciest beer when BJ’s discovers New Amsterdam Amber and prices it at $99.99 for six bottles.

Last year, the cash-strapped Ukraine charged Did Moroz (the local version of Father Christmas) impersonators an income tax. Florida will see that as a revenue stream and impose a tax on Santas.

The FBI will continue searching for Kenneth “D.B. Cooper” Conley, one of the convicted bank robbers who escaped from a Chicago high-rise jail and hailed a cab to make his getaway.

A new diet will sweep the cognoscenti with Twinkies and sugar free tonic water. I predict that I will not eat any of that.

Yesterday, I wrote, “Over the last couple of years, I’ve replaced or repaired most of the little things that plagued me and stole the time I needed to do all the fun stuff I wanted to do.” I predict I will sell the Honda and buy a pellet stove. I may buy an iPod dock but that’s iffy.

Stocks will rise. Bonds will fall. Investors will be late to the game.

Word enthusiasts will ban “fiscal cliff.”

Finally, (and this is the hardest crystal gazing I’ve done) America’s national politicians-for-life, will add more than another trillion dollars to our debt and “kick the can down” the road for another year. I predict that (a) the U.S. Congress approval rating will sink below 20%, (b) the U.S. Congress will form three committees to investigate the bankruptcy sale of Hostess Twinkies to Miguel Angel Treviño Morales, and (c) the U.S. Congress will declare a War on Guns.

Oh.

Wait.

Those were freebies, aren’t they?

OK, I foresee that the world did not end on December 21.