Category Archives: Society

Change We Can Believe In!

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The ups and downs of the decade. We made a bunch of great closeout deals but this column has room for only a few. Here are the top nine of 2009:

The downside: We may not have changed many of the Old Guard of pols but we surely did change how they do business inside the Beltway. They no longer throw billions of We the OverTaxedPeople’s dollars at problems.
The upside: Now they throw trillions.

Hoo wee. That’s change we can believe in!

The downside: President Obama (praise be his name) stole General Motors from its rightful owners (that would be small stockholders like thee and me) and put Ed “I Came from the Phone Company So I Don’t Know Anything about Cars” Whitacre in charge.
The upside: Thanks to the soybean lobby, your new Chevy Condescension will be the first model to come with tofubags instead of the dangerous and expensive airbags as well as the new OnStar-by-AT&T. Rumors that OnStar service will also be available on your iPhone have not proven out.

The downside: Democrats were appalled when President Obama nominated Senator Judd Gregg, R-NH, as his Secretary of Commerce. The U.S. Department of Commerce fosters, promotes, and develops business and industry. Democrats called Senator Gregg “too pro-business.”
The upside: Caroline Cartwright of Great Britain was arrested for noise levels that ranged between 30 and 40 decibels, with some squeaks “being 47 decibels” during sex. Bird calls are generally 44 dB.

The downside: Congress passed without reading a $787 billion “stimulus package” that, instead of stimulating We the OverTaxedPeople who provided the money, all went for swine flu shots to bankers. Vermont had a looming two hundred million dollar budget deficit so the Democratically controlled legislature there decided to spend three hundred million dollars of its portion of that G.R.A.F.T. Act windfall to “stabilize” its budget. Since that wasn’t enough, the Democratically controlled legislature also raised taxes by $24 million dollars in order to make up for the revenue shortfall.
The upside: The Nobel Committee awarded the Peace Prize posthumously to Michael Jackson.

The downside: The Environmental Protection Agency ruled that political science trumps actual science as a danger to human health and to the environment.
The upside: Millions of people flocked to Al Gore’s house in the Belle Meade neighborhood of Nashville where his Christmas decorationsand the upturned smiling faces were photographed from the International Space Station.

The downside: Just two years ago, world leaders of 193 countries pledged to reverse the course of climate change in Denmark this year. When the hot air cleared in Copenhagen this month, there were two inches of snow on the ground, two pounds of faked “global warming” emails, and $200 billion dollars in a Global Relief fund. Guess who they want to pick up the tab?
The upside: Each world leader flew to Denmark in one or more private airliners thus reducing the worldwide surplus of Jet A and Jet A-1 petroleum-based fuels.

The downside: In a strange coincidence, the International Olympic Committee also meeting in Copenhagen voted not to award the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago for fear that a fire in former Governor Rod Blagojevich’s hair might undermine the new “pay to play” Olympic game category.
The upside: The one billion dollar Cash for Clunkers program which cost three billion dollars left an estimated 643,000 1974 Ford Pintos on Illinois and Michigan highways as entry level vehicles for migrant farmers and high school students.

The downside: The Environmental Protection Agency said it will increase the percentage of ethanol in gasoline to 15% by next June. Ethanol producers and most newspapers say the higher blends will increase fuel economy, create more jobs in the industry, and increase government payments to ethanol producers by $787 billion.
The upside: The Social Security Administration announced that since Congress will lock fuel prices at $4.599 per gallon through 2012, the Cost of Living Adjustment (COLA) can remain fixed at 0% for the same period.

The downside: The U.S. economy has shed 15.4 million or more jobs including those once held by Rufus, Biff, and my wife, Anne.
The upside: The $787 billion “stimulus package” has created an estimated 643,000 brand new jobs (roughly identical to the number of saved 1974 Ford Pintos). All the new employees are dedicated to maintaining the White House website that tracks new jobs.

We have, as a nation, spent the entire decade unwilling to learn from our mistakes. Change We Can Believe In! certainly changed all of that and we are this >||< close to ObamaCare to prove it.

You can’t make this stuff up. Happy New Decade, everyone!

Guest Post: George says Scary Indeed!

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I purchase about $300 a month from Sam’s club, and prolly another $300 from WalMart. I buy everything from cat food to prescription drugs to fresh veggies, ammo and cheap Texas wine. The only thing I don’t buy from WalMart is gasoline because their clerk has big tits, and she hits on me.

Here’s my point:
Coupla days ago a company called Unilever™, the maker of Slim-Fast, kicked off a global recall of its products because of the possibility of a low-level food poison bacteria. (you can read about it by Googling Unilever’s website, keyword recall.) Gives people the runs.

Anyway, sandwiched in the middle of all my Sam’s Club purchases is the occasional purchase of one or two 15-can boxes of Slim-Fast Low Carb Diet chocolate drink. It is a superior product: tastes great and has only 2 impact carbohydrates per can in a ratio with 20 grams of milk protein. I have drunk it for several years and enjoyed its benefits.

Guess what? Today I got a call from Sam’s Club advising me to return the unused Slim-Fast for full refund regardless of whether I had a receipt or not. I was surprised. No, I was shocked…that such a trivial, menial record pf my small purchase existed.

But the fact is obvious that everything we’ve ever bought — prolly anywhere in the world — is on record. Not only every gun, but every box of ammo as well. Prolly every monthly issue of gun magazines and every accessory item made for the guns.

If you pay your TitsOnline.com membership fee with a credit card or check, somebody has written it down in digital form. It’s out there. If you pay your Scientology pledge with electronic money, somebody has a record of it for posterity…or worse.

Someone somewhere even knows how much Jack Daniels I buy–and if I bought Depends™ undergarments they would know that too. Everything is on record somewhere and can be easily retrieved upon demand/request.

So, I’m taking the Slim-Fast back to Sam’s and get my money–in cash if possible.

When the SHTF all electronic money will be gone. Come to think of it, so will greenbacks.

— George Poleczech

To the Nines

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Tiger Woods has proven yet again that when a man thinks with his little head, he might run into things with his big one. At least that’s what every pundit on network news says.

Mr. Woods made big news last week after driving his Cadillac Escalade into a fire plug. A neighbor called 911 to report that the accident and that he was “laying [unresponsive] on the ground.” Citing privacy and no requirement to do so, Mr. Woods talked neither to state troopers nor the media for three days after the accident.

He broke his silence to apologize for his “transgressions.”

“Apologize”?

“Transgressions”???

His wife, Elin, may very well have tried to beat him to death with a nine-iron, for heaven’s sake.

The billion dollar spokesman for all things manly blew a unique opportunity to stand up for common sense. He should have used his bully pulpit to stand up for men’s health.

The 14 most popular men’s health searches on webmd.com, in the order given, are gout, masturbation, jock itch, sex, vasectomy, chest pain, premature ejaculation, low testosterone, enlarged prostate, testicle pain, penis discharge, psa, ulcers, and colon cancer.

Fully half of the questions have to do with sex. A couple more if you consider that sex is probably what drives most men to have their prostates checked.

The ulcers question could round it out to an even ten if those ulcers come from grief we men get about sex. Or nine-irons.

Mr. Woods could have done what I’ve waited for politicians and public figures to do for decades: he could have spoken the truth.

Imagine if Tiger Woods had called a news conference. The networks would have sent all their “entertainment” talking heads, all their sports reporters, and even some actual news reporters. The State Police would have shown up. Heck even the Army Times would have been there.

“Is this thing on? I want to thank you all for coming today. I have a short statement and a handout for everyone here. It is in color and uses small words so everyone in the press corps can get it right on the news tonight.

“See this chart?” Mr. Woods could have said. “It is the most important thing I can say to you and to all my fans.”

The Five Things Men Need Most for Good Health

  • Eat tomatoes
  • Wear your seat belt
  • Quit smoking
  • Stop eating so much
  • Avoid cancer

“Orgasms don’t hurt you, either,” Mr. Woods could have said.

“Now, the question you all want to ask is this: ‘Did I have sex with that woman?’ Well, ladies and gentlemen, yes, I did. So what? It’s none of your business. None. If you want a story, print something useful. Otherwise, go home and the real story will be ‘News Media Refused to Publish What Tiger Said about Men’s Health’.

“Thank you all for coming to sunny Florida on this cold and rainy day in your northeastern offices.”

Oh, yeah. And it occurs to me that if I crunched my Escalade against a fire hydrant in North Puffin instead of Windermere, Florida, nobody in the media would care or notice. Even if someone had tried to beat me to death with a nine-iron.

The Game of Telephone

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“I have a cupcake in my briefcase,” I heard Missy say.

Missy and her husband Biff are here in South Puffin for a couple-three weeks of fishing. Missy loves her bling which dangles and jangles and actually seems to attract fish when she leans over the transom. She still has her job with the state but Biff is out of work for the first time in about 20 years. Naturally, they each brought a cellphone.

In the game of Telephone, according to the Wikipedia, “the first player whispers a phrase or sentence to the next player. Each player successively whispers what that player believes he or she heard to the next. The last player announces the statement to the entire group. Errors typically accumulate in the retellings, so the statement announced by the last player differs significantly, and often amusingly, from the one uttered by the first. The game is often played by children as a party game or in the playground.” Or by the Congress.

Missy actually said “My son got a cupcake for his birthday. I found it in the fridge.”

The game of telephone has become the game of cellephone.

Everyone in America today has at least one. It is impossible to walk down the street without tripping over Biff yelling into his hand or cupping his earbud to hear a friend at the beach or instruct a partner in Pipeline-istan. If people are far away or speak a different language, Biff knows they can understand him better when he yells.

I hate cellephony.

But it’s cheap! Every cellphone company in this country advertises the best network and the lowest rates. The average $39.99 cell bill last month cost the consumer $103 and change.

But it’s reliable! T-Mobile blamed a software glitch for the outage that left about 5% of its customers unable to send or receive calls or text messages last week. Of course, no cell carrier mentions the millions of individual dropped calls unless some other network does the dropping.

But it’s perfect for people watchers! I love to eavesdrop on conversations; cellphones make too too it easy to listen to just one side.

The game of cellephone we play doesn’t bring more cumulative error, rumor, and gossip than, say, Facebook or television or the blogosphere because our errors are personal, not viral. In the end, though, it’s all about me. Or thee. All I want is for my call to go through when I push send. All I want is to be able to tell if it is Missy or Biff who answers. All I want is to hear the words they say. After all, the simple copper line attached to a Bakelite™ speaker and microphone and the magneto my grandfather cranked did that with amazing accuracy and 99.72% uptime.

Meanwhile, I’m still trying to get a bite of that cupcake. I hope it’s chocolate.

Out of Work

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When you’re out of work
the unemployment rate is 100%

Kay Ace (not her real name) lost her job on her birthday Friday. She filed an unemployment claim and began a new job search this morning.

The MegaInsuranceCo had cut her hours to part time last year but the falling real estate market and her rising salary (and age) made her too expensive to keep around. Her now former boss was told to hire a cheaper worker in her place.

U.S. job seekers now outnumber openings six to one, a new record and the worst ratio since the government began tracking open positions in 2000. According to the Labor Department’s latest numbers, from July, only 2.4 million full-time permanent jobs were open, with 14.5 million people officially unemployed.

With more people at home, only two indices have risen: the number of television hours watched and the birthrate. It seems we are making more unemployed workers naturally and taking in more “bright and shiny buy me now” advertising.

Vermont’s Unemployment Trust Fund will run out of money soon, most likely in January. The state expects to borrow about $160 million from the Federal government to keep the Trust Fund afloat through 2010.

“That won’t affect your Ms. Ace,” Representative Liana Leger (D-North Puffin) told me. “We have added employees at the offices to handle the increased unemployment claims and benefits will be paid on schedule.” Rep. Leger has held office since 1996.

In 1998, the legislature increased benefits without any new revenue, Vermont Labor Commissioner Patricia Moulton Powden said last week on You Can Quote Me. “Anyone who runs a business knows that when you spend more you have to have more income coming in.”

That 1997-98 legislative session was a very productive one for this state. Howard Dean (D-VT) was governor, Peter Shumlin (D-Windham) was Senate President pro-tempore (and now is a gubernatorial candidate), Michael Obuchowski (D-Windham) was Speaker of the House, and the assembly was in a spending mood. In addition to Act 101 (the act that changed unemployment compensation), the legislature passed a health insurance mandate that required plans to provide mental health coverage without establishing “any rate, term or condition that places a greater financial burden on an insured.” They adopted public campaign financing for the offices of governor and lieutenant governor to restrict “excessive campaign expenditures.” And they passed the Equal Educational Opportunity “to make educational opportunity available to each pupil in each town on substantially equal terms.” In a stroke of the pen, that “substantially equal access” to per pupil spending moved the revenue stream from the Towns to the State general fund.

Not surprisingly the Vermont economy has sunk.

The Vermont Legislature and the Vermont State Employee Association (the union for state workers) have each been pretty boneheaded about revenues this year. The lawmakers keep spending and the employees expect raises even as the governor tries to cut $7.4 million in labor costs.

Talks between Gov. Jim Douglas and the VSEA have broken down.

The State of Vermont had about 8,262 employees in 2008 which made the State the largest employer in the state for something like the 10th year in a row. The average salary of a state employee was $50,014 last year. That’s considerably more than Ms. Ace earned.

“These are the only employees in the state I can think of who have been accepting a couple of pay raises over the past few years and won’t come to the table to help us save their colleagues’ jobs and meet the needs of the state in this challenging fiscal and economic time,” Gov. Douglas said.

Lawmakers have said they are disappointed the two sides could not agree but it appears likely the state will raise taxes to make up for the revenue shortfall.

“It’s alright. We have elves in the cellar of the Statehouse,” Rep. Leger said. “They spin good Vermont straw into gold.”

“Leger” is not a French word for “gooberhead” no matter what the conservative pundits say.

I know. Maybe Ms. Ace can get a job with the VSEA.