Category Archives: Random Access

Random Access, the op-ed.

Spinning the Entire Planet

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This column looks at media spin.

First, the backstory: ExxonMobil, the most profitable company in the history of mankind, made an $11.68 billion profit this quarter on the back of General Motors which lost $15.5 billion.

“America’s oil and natural gas industry earns less than many others…” That’s the televised gospel according to “the people who bring you oil and natural gas” (that would be API, the American Petroleum Institute).

Hello? Are they on the same planet you and I inhabit?

Oh. Wait.

The API planet spins backwards!

Naturally they do have statistics to back up their claim, shown in their television ad in the form of a handy bar chart of earnings per dollar of sales in the First Quarter, 2008:

Pharmaceuticals 25.9
Beverage and Tobacco 17.8
Computer Products 13.7
All Manufacturing 7.6
Apparel and Leather 7.5
Oil and Natural Gas 7.4
Food 5.0
Furniture 3.0

[In the interest of full disclosure, I own some ExxonMobil stock.]

CEO Rex Tillerson announced that my company is, out of the largest profit in corporate history, paying one of the smaller dividends (~2%) in corporate history. On the other hand, Mr. Tillerson buys back shares like mine with all their extra cash and raised my dividend a whopping nickle while the investment he makes in production and exploration plummets.

That stock buyback at about $80 per share sucked up some $8 billion of the quarterly profit. They bought $30 billion in stock last year and have (so far) reduced the number of shares outstanding by about 400 million shares. I can see no reason that it helps me when Mr. Tillerson takes the stock out of play. It helps someone, though. At the current rate, ExxonMobil will buy back all of its shares and become a totally private company in just 14 more years.

Huh.

Just to show I am not playing favorites, Royal Dutch Shell’s second-quarter earnings were nearly as high as Exxon’s with a profit of $11.56 billion. That was 33% higher than Shell’s profit of $8.67 billion in the same period last year. Shell is half the size of Exxon.

Wow. $11.68 plus $11.56 billion in three months. Profit. Just two companies.

Profit that usually goes to the shareholders.

API states it is the only national trade association that represents all aspects of America’s oil and natural gas industry. Their 400 corporate members are the producers, refiners, suppliers, pipeline operators and marine transporters, as well as service and supply companies. They represent the largest major oil company to the smallest of independents. They spin the news for companies like ExxonMobil, Royal Dutch Shell, Chevron, and more. By the way, Royal Dutch Shell has a stock buyback program. Chevron has a stock buyback program.

ExxonMobil did beat its own record for the highest profits ever by a U.S. company but the $2.22-per-share profit announced still led to a $3 decline in the share price.

I originally thought that Mr. Tillerson might have wished API had not spun the profit as such a small number.

That wasn’t right.

Mr. Tillerson, unlike every CEO in American history, wants his stock price to fall. The lower the price and higher the profits the more stock ExxonMobil can buy back.

See how well spinning backwards can work?

Throw Da Bums Out, I

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We need a loose cannon in politics now more than ever but we’ve been growing little water pistols and arming them with blanks.

Lee Iacocca’s 2007 book, Where Have All the Leaders Gone, finally made it to Vermont. OK, some excerpts did, thanks to my friend “Bob” who wrote, “Iacocca has for decades been one of my heroes (even if he IS a democrat!)…”

Am I the only guy in this country who’s fed up with what’s happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We’ve got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we’ve got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can’t even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, “Stay the course.”

Stay the course? You’ve got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned Titanic. I’ll give you a sound bite: “Throw all the bums out!”

The Leadership Blog wants to see Michael Moore and Mr. Iacocca “collaborate to turn this book into a movie.”

<shudder >

“Bob” wrote, “Don’t really see any answers here, though…”

And that’s the trouble with a “challenge.”

It interests me that T. Boone Pickens and Al Gore have both gone to television advertising to sell their quests, but Mr. Iacocca stayed with a book.

I’m afraid television is the wave of the future for idea generators–particularly if the idea is a bad one or a heavily politicized one. Marketing ideas is not the problem. We’ve used the media to sell ideas to the public for as long as there has been a media. In the early days, people wrote pamphlets (Thomas Paine) or owned a newspaper (Ben Franklin). The difference between then and now is that the Paines and Franklins rallied the proletariat and then went out and led them. Nowadays, the Gores and Pickenses rally the proletariat and whine about the politicians rather than implementing their so-called bright ideas theirownselfs.

The Obama camp makes the “change” noises, and the McCain camp makes the “stay the course” noises. For the record, Senator Obama has the water pistol and Senator McCain the blanks.

Throw da bums out.

For 30 nanoseconds I thought I might join Deck and vote for Ralph Nader. After all that’s a sure vote for Mickey Mouse or NOTA. Too bad the messages sent with that vote is that Mr. Nader represents the change I want to see. That’s not my message.

I have retracted the Goofy vote.

Yeah, I know. I could vote the Librarian party. Unfortunately, they are all whackos who keep trying to shush me.

Wot to do, wot to do. Next up, I will have at least a half-a-suggestion but right now I have desk butt and it’s time to go play with my tractor.

Some Assembly Required

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My bank insisted the other day that I get new checks. They had changed their routing numbers in 1997 or so and really wanted me to spend my money with something that didn’t screw up their machinery.

They also wanted me to pay for the new checks but I declined. After all, I didn’t change the routing numbers.

They paid for the checks which arrived from Deluxe today.

I do most of my banking online so I write very few checks any more. Not only that, since all the banks were forced to accept colorful (and inexpensive) checks from sources like Checks-R-Us-In-The-Mail, I haven’t bought anything from Deluxe since about 1978. Taken together, I’m thinking the near-captive check printing operations like Deluxe are the buggy whip manufacturers of the 21st Century and that the days of even independents like Checks-R-Us are numbered. Imagine a wry grin at that. Our writer friend Alma in Washington state would thwap me.

Someone at Deluxe got the bright idea that they would save money by shipping the checks with a flattened box.

“Let the customer assemble the box and we’ll save money,” that Deluxe genius thought.

And it was so.

Understand that the cardboard pre-box had been printed, cut, folded, glued, and taped together by machines at the factory. Then the (flattened) pre-box and the little stacks of bound checks were bundled loosely into an envelope to be mailed.

I don’t see the savings.

After all, the cardboard pre-box could have been printed, cut, folded, glued, and taped together as a box shape by machines at the factory and the little stacks of bound checks could have been put inside the box!

I’m a mechanical engineer with an actual diploma and everything. I have built a boat from scratch and gotten it out of the barn. It even floats. I can put the top up on one of Carroll Shelby’s original Cobras. I can even program my VCR. I just spent half an hour folding and gluing and taping this darned box together.

Bean counters. Bah.

At least the couple of hundred checks they sent will likely last my lifetime. Or until the next routing number change.

60-Cubed … Cap Cancer!

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Some regular readers know that I have “long-ish” hair. Anne has cut my hair for most of our 30 years of marriage but she quit when I started renovating the kitchen. See, with the house in an uproar, she had nowhere to cut it. And in fact, my hair has been growing out since 2003.

I’m lucky to have so much hair.

My mom lost hers when she went through chemotherapy. She bought a fright wig and loved it. Read more…

Not Writing

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I write but I rarely write about writing. I think about writing. I sometimes talk with friends about writing. I have written once or twice about writing*1*. Thank goodness I don’t do it very often.

See, the first piece of advice a young writer gets is, “Write what you know.” Unfortunately for readers, most writers know most about writing so they tend to, well, write about it. I’d rather write about nude wimmens or careening to the inside of turn 7 at Lime Rock or whether I can catch a cow on a hook in the deep blue waters of the Gulfstream.

But the sun is shining. Life is good. And Duma Key the place is, for now, very far away.

I’m reading Duma Key the book right now and have been thinking about why I like Stephen King and, as a broader question, why we all like Stories-with-a-Capital-S and the people in them. See, I don’t read fantasy. I don’t even like horror stories. I never told ghost stories around the campfire nor believed them when I listened but I like Stephen King and he tells some serious ghost stories.

I have just two simple truths to share here:

1. We want to spend our time with interesting people.
2. Characters in novels are always busy.

The USA Network peeps have it right with their “Characters Welcome” promotion. The books I like best, the movies that grab me, and the television serials I keep going back to are all peopled with interesting characters. It doesn’t matter as much what they do in the stories as it matters what makes them interesting.

I may be an interesting person. Or not. You may even like me as a person. Or not. No matter. Neither of us particularly wants to share our time with someone doing what I did today. I brushed, pooped, showered, and wandered around my office in my underwear for a while. I spoke to a couple of clients. I researched a strategic plan. I wrote this blog and my weekly column. I worked on a couple of photo images. I checked that I have a band booked for the weekend concert. I may have passed gas. I ate lunch and will eventually eat supper. Tonight I have a heavy evening planned with the t00b.

Yawn.

That was a busy day. Absolutely no part of it moved this story forward. In the novel we could have skipped directly from finding the red picnic basket in the attic to catching the cow on the hook.

Any writer who can create someone we like and keep us hooked with his or her day-to-day puttering is a treasure.


1 My 10-1/2 Hot Tips for Small-Town Op-ed Writers was commissioned and published by Inklings in 1997.