Change We Can Believe In!

Monday, December 28, 2009 by Dick.

The ups and downs of the decade. We made a bunch of great closeout deals but this column has room for only a few. Here are the top nine of 2009:

The downside: We may not have changed many of the Old Guard of pols but we surely did change how they do business inside the Beltway. They no longer throw billions of We the OverTaxedPeople’s dollars at problems.
The upside: Now they throw trillions.

Hoo wee. That’s change we can believe in!

---

The downside: President Obama (praise be his name) stole General Motors from its rightful owners (that would be small stockholders like thee and me) and put Ed “I Came from the Phone Company So I Don’t Know Anything about Cars” Whitacre in charge.
The upside: Thanks to the soybean lobby, your new Chevy Condescension will be the first model to come with tofubags instead of the dangerous and expensive airbags as well as the new OnStar-by-AT&T. Rumors that OnStar service will also be available on your iPhone have not proven out.

---

The downside: Democrats were appalled when President Obama nominated Senator Judd Gregg, R-NH, as his Secretary of Commerce. The U.S. Department of Commerce fosters, promotes, and develops business and industry. Democrats called Senator Gregg “too pro-business.”
The upside: Caroline Cartwright of Great Britain was arrested for noise levels that ranged between 30 and 40 decibels, with some squeaks “being 47 decibels” during sex. Bird calls are generally 44 dB.

---

The downside: Congress passed without reading a $787 billion “stimulus package” that, instead of stimulating We the OverTaxedPeople who provided the money, all went for swine flu shots to bankers. Vermont had a looming two hundred million dollar budget deficit so the Democratically controlled legislature there decided to spend three hundred million dollars of its portion of that G.R.A.F.T. Act windfall to “stabilize” its budget. Since that wasn’t enough, the Democratically controlled legislature also raised taxes by $24 million dollars in order to make up for the revenue shortfall.
The upside: The Nobel Committee awarded the Peace Prize posthumously to Michael Jackson.

---

The downside: The Environmental Protection Agency ruled that political science trumps actual science as a danger to human health and to the environment.
The upside: Millions of people flocked to Al Gore’s house in the Belle Meade neighborhood of Nashville where his Christmas decorationsand the upturned smiling faces were photographed from the International Space Station.

---

The downside: Just two years ago, world leaders of 193 countries pledged to reverse the course of climate change in Denmark this year. When the hot air cleared in Copenhagen this month, there were two inches of snow on the ground, two pounds of faked “global warming” emails, and $200 billion dollars in a Global Relief fund. Guess who they want to pick up the tab?
The upside: Each world leader flew to Denmark in one or more private airliners thus reducing the worldwide surplus of Jet A and Jet A-1 petroleum-based fuels.

---

The downside: In a strange coincidence, the International Olympic Committee also meeting in Copenhagen voted not to award the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago for fear that a fire in former Governor Rod Blagojevich’s hair might undermine the new “pay to play” Olympic game category.
The upside: The one billion dollar Cash for Clunkers program which cost three billion dollars left an estimated 643,000 1974 Ford Pintos on Illinois and Michigan highways as entry level vehicles for migrant farmers and high school students.

---

The downside: The Environmental Protection Agency said it will increase the percentage of ethanol in gasoline to 15% by next June. Ethanol producers and most newspapers say the higher blends will increase fuel economy, create more jobs in the industry, and increase government payments to ethanol producers by $787 billion.
The upside: The Social Security Administration announced that since Congress will lock fuel prices at $4.599 per gallon through 2012, the Cost of Living Adjustment (COLA) can remain fixed at 0% for the same period.

---

The downside: The U.S. economy has shed 15.4 million or more jobs including those once held by Rufus, Biff, and my wife, Anne.
The upside: The $787 billion “stimulus package” has created an estimated 643,000 brand new jobs (roughly identical to the number of saved 1974 Ford Pintos). All the new employees are dedicated to maintaining the White House website that tracks new jobs.

We have, as a nation, spent the entire decade unwilling to learn from our mistakes. Change We Can Believe In! certainly changed all of that and we are this >||< close to ObamaCare to prove it.

You can’t make this stuff up. Happy New Decade, everyone!

Posted in Government Motors, What? Are They Nuts?, ObamaCare, History, Global Warming, Newspaper "Science", Banking, Science (not-so-real), Politics & News, Society, Business, Cars, Random Access | 3 Comments »

Hitchhikers

Monday, September 14, 2009 by Dick.

I picked up Jody Beauregard hitchhiking yesterday. Jody is a sweet, gentle man who has worked on Tom Ripley’s truck for the last decade or so. He takes off every fall to hunt and usually can put up enough meat to last him through the year. I had never seen him hitchhiking before.

“Where’s your Bronco?” I asked him. He usually cruised the roads in about a 1970 Ford with a cracked rear window and rust holes patched with political bumper stickers.

Jody took a while to think about the question.

“Engine calved,” he said.

“What do you plan to do?” I asked.

“Tom had promised to sell me his red Roadmaster for $1,500,” Jody said, “but he traded it in on that Clunker deal and got $4,500 for it. It was a pretty good car but I couldn’t pay that much.”

The CARS program took nearly 700,000 “clunkers” off the roads replaced, as the official press release told us, by far more fuel efficient vehicles. The program processed $2.877 billion in rebate applications and put more than half the cash into foreign brands. It has taken a lot of excellent cars off the road, including a 1985 Maserati Biturbo in Plattsburgh and Tom Riley’s very nice 16 year-old Buick, including all of the clunker stock the poor will drive tomorrow but none of the real clunkers the poor drive today. Good planning on the part of the peeps who would run U.S. health care, U.S. stockbrokers, and the U.S. auto industry.

Tom Ripley is my garbage man. Here in North Puffin, garbage collection is private enterprise; we all contract with one of the haulers who has a route in our area. I like Tom. He’s friendly, always on time, and comes right up on the porch to pick up the trash cans. He even (usually) latches the storm door when he puts the cans back. He owns a couple of used garbage trucks that he bought at the state auction and usually has a couple-three pickups that he runs around his route every Sunday before church. He had originally planned to trade in his ‘73 Chevy pickup under the CARS program but it was too old. It is a terrific truck but it gets 10 mpg winter and summer. 10 mpg empty and 10 mpg pulling a camper. A little rusty and a lot beaten but still on the road after 36 years. But it was too old to qualify for the clunkers program.

Cars traded must have been manufactured less within the last 25 years, have a fuel economy of 18 miles per gallon or less, and be insured and registered and drivable.

“The 350 in that Roadmaster purred,” Jody told me. “Tom put tires on it just the year before last. Paint was great — actually the whole body was pretty darned good. And the A/C worked. I’ve never had a car with A/C that worked. No rust, runs good, like the song says.”

“I’ve ridden in it,” I said. “Pretty good car.”

Jody looked out the side window for a half a mile. Not many leaves are turning yet and no deer in the fields; he was thinking about the car.

“Yeah. It’s not fair, you know. I need a car now and there just nobody’s got anything to sell. People are even snapping up old beaters like my old Bronco ’cause they can’t find anything else to drive.”

“That Buick would have lasted you 10 more years.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Got better gas mileage than anything I’ve ever owned, too.”

Posted in Throw Da Bums Out, Cars, Sociology, Politics & News, Random Access | 4 Comments »

Guzzling? No. Gobbling.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 by Dick.

Congress poked its head up out of the gopher hole with a $4,500 incentive to trade in your gas guzzlers for new, fuel-efficient rides. The House passed the bill yesterday on a 298-119 vote.

President Barack Obama has supported the plan as a way to help struggling automakers and improve the fuel efficiency of the cars and trucks on the road.

Huh. That incentive might have helped struggling automakers even more six or 12 months ago.

Now that the Administration has run two of three American car makers out of business, it is too bad the only place left to trade is either Government Motors or Overseas, Inc.

Imagine that.

Remember you and you and you voted for these turkeys. A few of us voted against ‘em but that makes me no less doomed.

Posted in Throw Da Bums Out, Government Motors, Cars, Society, Politics & News, Random Access | 4 Comments »

Fire Sale

Friday, June 5, 2009 by Dick.

NEW YORK — CNNMoney reports that General Motors Corp. will sell its Saturn unit to Penske Automotive Group, owned by racing and business legend Roger Penske. The deal gives Penske the rights to the brand, but GM will continue production of the Saturn Aura, Vue and Outlook.

If anyone can make it work, Mr. Penske can.

I hope he still has his unfair advantage.

Too bad Pontiac isn’t part of the deal. The excitement of the Pontiac line comes from Australia’s Holden right now: the G8, the GTO, and the El Camino-style Holden Ute which the motoring press called the G8TR (”Gator”) but Pontiac expected to sell as the G8 ST. Since Mr. Penske will “import” his Saturns from the GM plants, he could do the same with the best of the Pontiac line and sell them all under the “no haggle” Saturn roof.

Wow.

Shares of Penske (PAG) rose 3% in morning trading.

Meanwhile, GM announced on Tuesday it would sell its Hummer line to China’s Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company Ltd. thus moving the U.S. Army’s primary ground vehicle production into the hands of a foreign nation.

Posted in Government Motors, Cars, Business, Random Access | 2 Comments »

2008 Bail Out

Monday, December 29, 2008 by Dick.

We’ve heard of the Year of the Rat. The ancient Chinese welcomed the Rat as their protector and source of material prosperity. 2008 was the Year of the Thieving Rats.

I don’t usually like to see a year end. I love sunsets because the sky colors light up my life at the end of the day but the end of 2008 just means I’m another year older and deeper in debt.

---

I started out the year with a Schwab One account and now have a Schwab .015 account.

Speaking of our financial institutions, we also started 2008 with a credit fiasco when some mope lifted Herself’s wallet in Philly; the credit card processing center kept sending substitute cards they wouldn’t let us activate.

“What are the last 4 digits on your card, Mr. Harper?”

5884.

“This looks like a replacement for a card that was lost. That’s your old card number.”

No, my old card ended in 3399.

“That’s not right. I show the old card as 5884 and the new card as 6091. Let me put you on hold.”
.
.
.

“Thank you for holding. We value this opportunity to service your call. Please continue to hold for the next available advisor.”
.
.
.

“The current hold time is approximately 8 minutes.”

At least they had a nice symphony playing as their hold music.

I found out later that, while I was on hold, the banks scored $700 Billion on my other credit card.

Start a spreadsheet. Right now. Immediately. List every credit or debit card you have. All of them. Include the card number, the institution name, the institution phone number, the full name in which it is issued. Include its expiration date. Make a column with every autopay you pay with each card. In a spreadsheet.

Did I mention to do it in a spreadsheet? Spreadsheets are cool.

---

Brett Favre, who is Herself’s favorite quarterback of all time, lost his last ever Championship hope with an illegal forward pass yesterday. On the other hand, the rest of the Jets did complete more lateral passes in a single play than anyone had seen in a professional football game this year. If they hadn’t been using their hands, we would have thought it was professional soccer.

I bought my first hard disk-based “Personal Video Recorder” this year so I could pause the news and Herself could pause fuhball.

Built in China, of course, so I did my best for the economy.

This may be the second most irritating product on the market. The operating system was designed to operate bulldozers instead of showstoppers and the remote control pretty much doesn’t. Despite that, I wanted to buy two of them and the seller shipped two of them but only one arrived. Somebody stole the second “in transit.” And now this brand is off the market. Maybe if I had ordered three or four…

---

Our neighbors decided a couple of years ago that my project to rebuild the North Puffin garage “disappointed” them so they sued us. In the process of beating on us with their lawyers they magically grew their postage stamp sized camp lot by a few feet to the South and a few more to the North.

We lost a few feet of land on our southern boundary and our other neighbors lost a couple of feet of land on their northern boundary but at least we have finished that episode and are done with them.

---

I bought General Motors stock earlier this year. Automakers and auto dealers immediately tanked. GM suspended its dividend; later Congress decided to suspend GM. I didn’t understand it then but I understand it now; I spent 100 hours and $200 selling a $1,700 used car for $1,400 this Fall.

Regular readers will recall that I had had a yen for a special plate and expected, when I bought this particular KeysCar, that I would get one. After all, DICK was available in Vermont.

Unfortunately, Vermont said I’m not a Dick.

I listed the car on the free craigslist classified advertising site. Three legitimate buyers called. I sold it to one of them for a stack of $100 bills. 15 Nigerians or Nigerian-trained operatives offered cashier’s checks. Every last one of those bounced.

Gasoline flirted with $5/gallon about 20 nanoseconds after I decided to start driving everywhere again. I have some small hope that the oil speculators who caused that spike (and have now taken it in the ear when oil dropped back to traditional levels) were the same financial wizards who robbed us in the mortgage markets.

Or maybe not. There was very little justice in 2008.

---

Denny Crane sure was something, though. All he asked for was my interest every week but he earned my respect and he got my vote.

The stories we Pollyannas tell ourselves are more optimistic than these. 2009 is going to better, right?

Posted in Banking, Government Motors, Cars, Business, Politics & News, Random Access | 4 Comments »

Good Money After Bad, Redux

Sunday, December 14, 2008 by Dick.

The news reported that the automaker CEOs will return to testify again this week

The President-elect will “pay close attention” to what the CEOs say. Barney Rubble plans to beat them up again no matter what the Congressman said on 60 Minutes. The Toyota Republicans say we ought not let Congress mess with a free market economy.

There is a timeworn and well known joke: An older and particularly odious man approached a beautiful woman. “Would you sleep with me for 700 billion dollars?” he asked. “Oh, I have to think about that. Yes!” she said. “Would you sleep with me for one dollar?” he asked. “Never! What do you think I am?” “Madam, we have already established that. Now we are simply negotiating the price.”

We ought not let Congress mess with a free market economy??? Sorry, folks, that horse has long since left the barn.

Posted in Throw Da Bums Out, Quickies, Cars, Politics & News, Random Access | 3 Comments »