Category Archives: Business

Change We Can Believe In!

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The ups and downs of the decade. We made a bunch of great closeout deals but this column has room for only a few. Here are the top nine of 2009:

The downside: We may not have changed many of the Old Guard of pols but we surely did change how they do business inside the Beltway. They no longer throw billions of We the OverTaxedPeople’s dollars at problems.
The upside: Now they throw trillions.

Hoo wee. That’s change we can believe in!

The downside: President Obama (praise be his name) stole General Motors from its rightful owners (that would be small stockholders like thee and me) and put Ed “I Came from the Phone Company So I Don’t Know Anything about Cars” Whitacre in charge.
The upside: Thanks to the soybean lobby, your new Chevy Condescension will be the first model to come with tofubags instead of the dangerous and expensive airbags as well as the new OnStar-by-AT&T. Rumors that OnStar service will also be available on your iPhone have not proven out.

The downside: Democrats were appalled when President Obama nominated Senator Judd Gregg, R-NH, as his Secretary of Commerce. The U.S. Department of Commerce fosters, promotes, and develops business and industry. Democrats called Senator Gregg “too pro-business.”
The upside: Caroline Cartwright of Great Britain was arrested for noise levels that ranged between 30 and 40 decibels, with some squeaks “being 47 decibels” during sex. Bird calls are generally 44 dB.

The downside: Congress passed without reading a $787 billion “stimulus package” that, instead of stimulating We the OverTaxedPeople who provided the money, all went for swine flu shots to bankers. Vermont had a looming two hundred million dollar budget deficit so the Democratically controlled legislature there decided to spend three hundred million dollars of its portion of that G.R.A.F.T. Act windfall to “stabilize” its budget. Since that wasn’t enough, the Democratically controlled legislature also raised taxes by $24 million dollars in order to make up for the revenue shortfall.
The upside: The Nobel Committee awarded the Peace Prize posthumously to Michael Jackson.

The downside: The Environmental Protection Agency ruled that political science trumps actual science as a danger to human health and to the environment.
The upside: Millions of people flocked to Al Gore’s house in the Belle Meade neighborhood of Nashville where his Christmas decorationsand the upturned smiling faces were photographed from the International Space Station.

The downside: Just two years ago, world leaders of 193 countries pledged to reverse the course of climate change in Denmark this year. When the hot air cleared in Copenhagen this month, there were two inches of snow on the ground, two pounds of faked “global warming” emails, and $200 billion dollars in a Global Relief fund. Guess who they want to pick up the tab?
The upside: Each world leader flew to Denmark in one or more private airliners thus reducing the worldwide surplus of Jet A and Jet A-1 petroleum-based fuels.

The downside: In a strange coincidence, the International Olympic Committee also meeting in Copenhagen voted not to award the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago for fear that a fire in former Governor Rod Blagojevich’s hair might undermine the new “pay to play” Olympic game category.
The upside: The one billion dollar Cash for Clunkers program which cost three billion dollars left an estimated 643,000 1974 Ford Pintos on Illinois and Michigan highways as entry level vehicles for migrant farmers and high school students.

The downside: The Environmental Protection Agency said it will increase the percentage of ethanol in gasoline to 15% by next June. Ethanol producers and most newspapers say the higher blends will increase fuel economy, create more jobs in the industry, and increase government payments to ethanol producers by $787 billion.
The upside: The Social Security Administration announced that since Congress will lock fuel prices at $4.599 per gallon through 2012, the Cost of Living Adjustment (COLA) can remain fixed at 0% for the same period.

The downside: The U.S. economy has shed 15.4 million or more jobs including those once held by Rufus, Biff, and my wife, Anne.
The upside: The $787 billion “stimulus package” has created an estimated 643,000 brand new jobs (roughly identical to the number of saved 1974 Ford Pintos). All the new employees are dedicated to maintaining the White House website that tracks new jobs.

We have, as a nation, spent the entire decade unwilling to learn from our mistakes. Change We Can Believe In! certainly changed all of that and we are this >||< close to ObamaCare to prove it.

You can’t make this stuff up. Happy New Decade, everyone!

Party Hearty

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The Federal Aviation Administration has set stiff airline fines for those hours-long waits on the tarmac some airlines “give” their passengers. Carriers that do not provide food and water after two hours or a chance to disembark after three hours will face penalties of $27,500 per passenger.

I have sat waiting to take off for half an hour or so but luckily have never been held that long. Of course, the two hour break for bread and water will guarantee a need for the three hour break to pee.

I’m thinking it would have been smarter just to give the money for a single, 200 passenger junket on the tarmac to the passengers than to spend it for a great drinking party in Atlanta.

Hide the Ball

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Hide the Ball, Part I. My friend Rufus bought a brand new motor home last month. It was a difficult process mostly because the convenient Florida dealership that had the leftover model he wanted in stock kept changing the rules. Here’s how the deal went:

“We’ll take $xx,xxx and take your older motor home in trade,” the happy salesman told Rufus over the phone. “We’ll even deliver the new one and pick up your trade.”
Rufus went off to think about it. A few days later, he called the salesman. “OK, I’ll take it.”

“Oh, The price is actually $yy,yyy [almost $1,000 more] and you’ll have to bring the trade in to us,” the friendly salesman said.

That wasn’t the original deal but Rufus went off to think about it anyway. He really wanted the motor home. A few days later, he called the salesman. “OK, I’ll take it.”

“Oh, The price is actually $zz,zzz [another $1,000 more] and we can’t include the $600 SmartVent in that price,” the superb salesman said.

That’s one way to play Hide the Ball.

Rufus decided to cut his losses in Florida. He bought the same model motor home, delivered fresh from the factory, from a dealer in another state who didn’t try to game him. He paid $xx,xxx. The happy, friendly, superb salesman in Florida wasn’t very happy was he?

Meanwhile, Biff and Missy wanted to buy a second house here in the Keys. They have worked unsuccessfully with a local Realtor™ for about a month because other buyers are snapping up distressed properties as fast as they appear on the market. Missy and Biff can be a little slow at times.

Biff finally found a place that seemed perfect. It was available.

Their buyer’s agent sent them a 29-page contract. Biff read every page. That’s a good thing.

The contract spelled out that their agent told them their perfect vacation house was on the F.E.M.A. list. The agent hadn’t told them that nor had she explained what being “on the F.E.M.A. list” means [it means the buyer might not be able to get flood insurance]. The contract spelled out that their agent told them their dream vacation house had open permits. The agent hadn’t told them that nor had she explained what “open permits” means [it means the buyer could be liable for inspection fees and fines as well as putting the property “back to original condition”].

That’s another way to play Hide the Ball.

What does this mean to We the OverTaxedPeople?

It means car dealers and house sellers are pikers at Hide the Ball compared to Congress.

Hide the Ball, Part II. Missy and Biff have also been shopping for health insurance ever since Biff got riffed. She still has her job with the state but Biff the Plumber is out of work for the first time in about 20 years. Like millions of the rest of us, Missy and Biff want to reform health care and particularly health care costs.

“Rufus’ bus dealer was more upright than those airheads in Washington,” Missy said. She didn’t actually call them “airheads.” Missy can be earthy.

The U.S. Senate completed the first hurdle to passing ObamaCare over the weekend.

The Gang of 59 bribed hold-out Senator Ben Nelson (Used Car Salesman-NE) to sign on to the Senate health care bill. They pledged that We the OverTaxedPeople will pay all of Nebraska’s Medicaid increases forever so the Congressional Demorats can roll over all opposition and steal all the snow from the entire country right before Christmas.

Can you spell G-r-i-n-c-h?

That’s alright, though, because We the OverTaxedPeople really really really want national health care and we don’t care what it costs or whom we have to bribe. Right?

An ABC News/Washington Post poll shows 37% of the public thinks the quality of care will improve for them. Wow! That’s more than a third!

On the other hand, 53% think healthcare costs will go up under the legislation now in Congress. 55% think costs will rise for the healthcare system overall.

Uh oh! Maybe we do care what it costs and whom we have to bribe.

David Axelrod says “Reality” will “trump the poll numbers…”

Uh oh! Maybe it’s just President Obama who doesn’t care what it costs and whom we have to bribe. Maybe it’s just President Obama who doesn’t care what We the OverTaxedPeople think about ObamaCare. After all President Obama (praise be his name) knows what is best for the rest of us.

The newspapers say Mr. Axelrod, a senior adviser to the president, wants to “reframe the debate.” Mr. Axelrod said ObamaCare would be popular once people learned more about it.

That’s used motor home speak for “once we find the right spin.”

Also buried in the Demorats’ package is Medicare coverage for the 1,400 victims of “environmental health hazards” the EPA declared a public health emergency last June 17. Oddly, those 1,400 people were exposed to asbestos at the W.R. Grace vermiculite mine in Libby, Montana.

Senator Max Baucus, Demorat of Montana, snuck that one in for himself because he can. He is the principal author of the health care bill. That would be the same Senator Max Baucus (Finance Committee Chair and Used Car Salesman-MT) who said that the Bush Administration “ought to know that five years’ worth of Medicare and Medicaid cuts totaling [just] $200 billion are dead on arrival with me and with most of the Congress,” way back in 2008.

The bill quietly cuts Medicare and Medicaid benefits, but not until this administration is out of office.

Another provision to expand Medicaid only in Massachusetts, Nebraska and Vermont will add $1.2 billion in costs.

“It’s all in there just like it was all in my house contract,” Biff said. “It was just hidden in all the pages of fine print that reference other pages of fine print in other contracts.”

Now, here’s the bad part.

We excoriated the arrogant Grinches in Congress for voting on this Obamanation without reading the thousands of pages. Do you really in your heart of hearts think they wouldn’t still vote “Aye” if they actually had read it?

Missy and Biff and Rufus all went to different people for their deals. I haven’t (yet) convinced the rest of us how good an idea that is.

Merry Christmas, y’all. Missy and Biff and Rufus and I all hope you have enough left on your Visa cards to pay for gifts after the 60 Grinches “borrowed” your cards to pay for theirs.

The Game of Telephone

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“I have a cupcake in my briefcase,” I heard Missy say.

Missy and her husband Biff are here in South Puffin for a couple-three weeks of fishing. Missy loves her bling which dangles and jangles and actually seems to attract fish when she leans over the transom. She still has her job with the state but Biff is out of work for the first time in about 20 years. Naturally, they each brought a cellphone.

In the game of Telephone, according to the Wikipedia, “the first player whispers a phrase or sentence to the next player. Each player successively whispers what that player believes he or she heard to the next. The last player announces the statement to the entire group. Errors typically accumulate in the retellings, so the statement announced by the last player differs significantly, and often amusingly, from the one uttered by the first. The game is often played by children as a party game or in the playground.” Or by the Congress.

Missy actually said “My son got a cupcake for his birthday. I found it in the fridge.”

The game of telephone has become the game of cellephone.

Everyone in America today has at least one. It is impossible to walk down the street without tripping over Biff yelling into his hand or cupping his earbud to hear a friend at the beach or instruct a partner in Pipeline-istan. If people are far away or speak a different language, Biff knows they can understand him better when he yells.

I hate cellephony.

But it’s cheap! Every cellphone company in this country advertises the best network and the lowest rates. The average $39.99 cell bill last month cost the consumer $103 and change.

But it’s reliable! T-Mobile blamed a software glitch for the outage that left about 5% of its customers unable to send or receive calls or text messages last week. Of course, no cell carrier mentions the millions of individual dropped calls unless some other network does the dropping.

But it’s perfect for people watchers! I love to eavesdrop on conversations; cellphones make too too it easy to listen to just one side.

The game of cellephone we play doesn’t bring more cumulative error, rumor, and gossip than, say, Facebook or television or the blogosphere because our errors are personal, not viral. In the end, though, it’s all about me. Or thee. All I want is for my call to go through when I push send. All I want is to be able to tell if it is Missy or Biff who answers. All I want is to hear the words they say. After all, the simple copper line attached to a Bakelite™ speaker and microphone and the magneto my grandfather cranked did that with amazing accuracy and 99.72% uptime.

Meanwhile, I’m still trying to get a bite of that cupcake. I hope it’s chocolate.

Positive Vibes

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It’s the Keys, mon. The sweat rolling off my back doesn’t turn into ice cubes before it hits the floor.

I had a mostly uneventful trip from North Puffin to South Puffin last week. I bought half a sailboat and didn’t buy a motor home.

Half a boat conjures a Wiley Coyote image of a bald guy hanging onto the mast, trying to keep the chewed off after end out of the drink. That would be a small error. Rufus bought the other half, so we’re probably safe as long as I can keep him away from the chainsaw. We spent a couple of days completing the purchase, getting the trailer tags, making sure everything would stay connected. He fed me well.

Speaking of chewed off after ends, my neighbor Joe went fishing yesterday and almost boated a pretty nice mackerel. Except he had reeled the fish in to withing spitting distance of the boat when a much larger mackerel saw dinner on the hook and chomped off the back half. No shaking, no rending, no tearing. Open wide. Bite down. Swim away. ‘Nother reason I pefer fishing for cow.

I tend to listen to podcasts and talk shows while driving so I discovered a surprisingly conservative broadcast about a news media watchdog’s 40th anniversary on C-Span, of all venues. Of course, C-Span is kind of the public access television for inside the Beltway, so perhaps it is not so surprising.

The trailer towed easily at all speeds and neither the tires nor the bearings got hot. The traffic cooperated. I even drove right through D.C. and, other than the G.P.S. scolding me about “better routes,” had no tie-ups. Even the rain wasn’t too bad to drive through. The motel yard cats liked the boat at each stop.

Gas gas price war prices climbed through the entre trip. I stopped for gas at a 7-11 in Port Charlotte, Florida. The road signs advertise a $2.589/gallon price for regular. The actual price at the pump was $2.739/gallon. The store clerk told me no manager was at the store but one would “probably” be available on Monday.

Later, I checked in to a Red Roof Inn in Naples. The Florida Roomsaver ad promised “It’s all new under the Roof” with gourmet coffee, a free USA Today, and WiFi Internet access through T-Mobile.

Not every motel in the Florida Roomsaver offers Internet access but all that do offer it just as they do a complimentary hot breakfast or the towels — included the cost of the room. After I checked in, the clerk told that the WiFi Internet access through T-Mobile would cost me $8/day. I could buy the T-Mobile card then, he said, and ask for a refund in the morning. I spent the evening without any ability to check mail, plan my route, or download porn. I never saw a paper, either.

I’ll write the usual nastygrams. I can pretend that 7-11 will sanction the franchisee and Red Roof will give me a free night somewhere. I can even file deceptive advertising complaints with the Florida Attorney General and, as an ExxonMobil shareholder, I will ask that company to pull Exxon and Mobil gasoline from all 7-11s nationwide. It certainly leaves me not liking what’s “all new” under the roof. Or at the 7-11.

I ‘spect the most I’ll get is this blog entry.

Running the Tamiami through the Everglades in daylight was the best part of the trip. I stopped at the Collier-Seminole State Park just to see what is there this week and discovered the 1924 Bay City walking dredge. It is on the National Register as the earliest remaining dredge of that type. Designed to work in the swamps that bog down traditional wheeled or tracked construction equipment, it dredged the canals for the roadbed fill that created the Tamiami Trail at a rate of 80 feet per 18 hour day. There are several heron rookeries along the way, so I stopped a couple of times. The herons in the Glades are less trusting of people so they flushed as soon as I walked along the shoulder. On the other hand, the observation deck of the Oasis Visitor Center at Big Cypress National Preserve gives a bird’s eye view of eight alligators, plus active fish, herons and cormorants, and other wildlife such as tourists.

The Styrofoam “Omaha” meat cooler still had northern ice — I did not refresh its ice during the trip. That may not make the record books but it sure worked for me. On the downside, I can’t pick my nose any more. A neighbor is sitting in his living room across the canal, looking in my living room at me looking in his living room at him.

Good thing I didn’t tarry any longer on the road, though. I ran out of clean underwear.

Ah, heck. Who needs underwear? It’s the Keys, mon.