I Need a Dog

I saw Dan walking Bridget’s tan dog-shaped-dog yesterday. Dan is my neighbor to the south, Bridget to the north. I didn’t quite get why Dan was walking Bridget’s dog but I got a puppy fix nonetheless.

I grew up in the middle of farming country where we always had dogs and cats who could be outside whenever they wanted. I’ve never quite figured out this walk-around-with-a-plastic-bag routine people without room for dogs to run engage in.

As a wee child, I ate Fig Newtons and pulled the tail of Jason, a great, golden-fleeced tomcat, on my grandmother’s bed. Jason tolerated that until I started to walk. Then he beat me up. I still like cats.

We can’t have another cat, though. Every family has one perfect one. Ruff (pictures here) was ours.

We rented Ruff to a friend when we went on vacation one year. He immediately trained his temporary owner by finding a hiding place. Temporary Mom went ballistic trying to find him.

“We moved every piece of furniture 300 times,” she said. “And we ran up and down the roads calling him until midnight.

“I couldn’t sleep. Every time I heard a noise, I’d have to get up and look for him. By 4 a.m., I had decided to tell you I took him back to your daughter’s and she lost him!”

Darn cat came out, “Meow?” from hiding about breakfast time.

His temporary mom not only allowed him to sleep in her bed after that, I suspect she doubled his rations, too (that means two scoops of kitty kibble and all the mouses he could eat). Ruff is the only cat I know who has lost a dead mouse. It confuses him terribly when that happens.

We always had dogs as I was growing up. Monty was a mutt who knew to lick the butter off the toast and bring it back for more. Misty (Christmas Mistletoe) was a beautiful collie who fell in lurve with Marshall Jones’ magnificent farm collie up the road. The result was a litter that included Ferocious who went to friends and Rover who was mine. Rover had some cognitive problems after the incident with the eggnog, but that’s another story. He was a sweet, lovable, perfect dog for a boy with a bicycle.

My folks changed to labs after I went away to college.

I split the difference when we moved to Vermont and found a puppy from a tri-color collie bitch in her first heat who showed a champion yellow Lab field dog a good time in the dark of night. We named that puppy Dogg (the second “G” showed his class).

Dogg raised our kids, swam in an innertube, and was always, always at my side. Except when he slept with Ruff. He was bumptious and Lab-smart, but he looked like a big, black, farm collie.

I almost gave up on having dogs when he finally wore out.

Wendy's Better SideRuff made me change my mind. He was lonely.

The local used dog store had a fine weekend special: take a dog home for a test drive. Daughter Kris called us to say they had a Golden Retriever with my name on it so we brought her home for Ruff’s approval.

She whined. She didn’t bark. Ever. I had to teach this dog to bark.

Her name tag said she was “Dandy” but she wasn’t. We renamed her Gwendolyn Dandelion Whine. Wendy Whiner for short.

We once rented Wendy to a family in Burlington. They had recently lost their own dog and wanted to “try out” having another one underfoot. She was the kind of dog who is underfoot all the time. She leaned, she coaxed, she whined, she hoped. She ate with them, played with them, frolicked in the rain with them, ate their popcorn and table scraps, and slept in their beds. Guess where she expected to sleep ever after?

Daisy at the BeachI need a dog but I travel. SWMBO travels. We’re just not in one place enough to be fair to a dog.

So Dan was walking Bridget’s tan dog-shaped-dog yesterday. Another friend, Katie, is down from the U.S. for a while and has a gig dog-sitting for a family the next street over. As far as I can tell, they have five dogs, all large.

I don’t like walking and poop-scooping for dogs. I like playing catch and lounging. I’m thinking every neighborhood should have borrowable dogs — real ones, not these yappy little rats-on-leashes you see here — that we could simply check out for a quick romp, then return. Berners and Collies and Goldies and Labs and Newfies and Shepherds. Dogs with fur. Dogs with personality. Dogs who understand roughhousing.

Meanwhile, if you see a bearded man shambling down the street and groping every dog on the way, be kind.

 

Hold the Mayo?

I forgot the mayonnaise.

I hate it when that happens but that’s not (exactly) what this story is about.

Lunch. Kay Ace came over for lunch. I carved off some roasted turkey breast, some not-too-too-bad cheddar cheese, one of the marvelous Homestead tomatoes we picked up at the Flea Market, and sliced some of the faux sourdough bread I made in the bread machine the day before.

Kay is nuts. I’m not sure if I had made that clear before. She asked for mustard for her sandwich.

Mustard.

On tomatoes.

And turkey.

Nuts, I tell you.

Liz Arden poked her head in about then. “Mmm. Mustard on tomatoes and turkey. Mmmmm,” she said.

Nuts. I’m surrounded by them.

Jar of MayoI was so befuddled, I forgot to spread the mayonnaise on my own sandwich. It was a little dry but that tomato is so good, it was still right fair. I recognized what I was missing a couple of bites in. Remedied same. Lunch was sublime even with the slight, sharp aroma of mustard wafting from the other side of the table.

Mustard has its place. Any food that begins with “ham” needs mustard which is why hamburgers need mustard (and ketchup). Ditto hot dogs although they are mostly chicken. Brats and kielbasa and soft pretzels. Meatloaf sandwiches. Cheddar cheese on Ritz crackers needs just a tiny dab and a sweet gherkin pickle or two. And one should combine it with the mayo in potato salad. Not on ice cream, though.

The Romans mixed “must” (unfermented grape juice) with ground mustard seeds to make mustum ardens which translates as “burning must.” It’s also how we got the name “must ard.”

On the other hand, Kay puts mayo on her fries. That’s just wrong.

Mayonnaise is mostly fat; a single tablespoon serving contains 90 calories. No wonder we like it so much.

Mayo does go on turkey or chicken sandwiches and is especially perfect to bed slices of hard boiled egg. One could even add slices of bananas to that. Grilled apple, bacon and provolone sandwich is made perfect by mayo. It is the basis for tartar sauce, Thousand Island, and ranch dressings. I mix it with ketchup and Worcestershire sauce to make my “Russian” dressing.

For the record, if you put mayo on steamed broccoli it tastes a little like an artichoke.

Homemade mayo will spoil after 3-4 days but the commercial concoction uses pasteurized egg yolks and has so much acid and preservatives that it will extend the life of unrefrigerated sandwiches and salads by killing bacteria.

Now to the point: the vast squeeze bottle conspiracy.

I finally went back to the kitchen and put a dab of mayo on my sandwich.

Actually, that’s not exactly true. I tried to put a little dab of mayo on my sandwich and ended up with a monstrous glob of the stuff in the shape of the Great State of Texas on the bread.

I am disappointed.

The mayo folks have learned what the mustard folks have known for years. Why sell 32 ounces when you can sell 24 for the same price? In fact, why not water down the product a little so it squirts easier? After all, we’ll sell more.

<sigh>

In our next episode, Why doesn’t chocolate cake batter taste like chocolate cake?