Monthly Archives: February 2009

Hessian Horsemen and Other Stories

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Oops.

Honey, I’m afraid the knife slipped.

I think this column might be in bad taste. You have been warned.

Sam Calhoun lives in a rambling farmhouse in Vermont’s Northeast Kingdom with Sarah, his wife of 17 years, their six school-aged kids, and a floppy eared cocker spaniel named Jehoshaphat.The Kingdom is the remote northeast corner of the state, an area comprising Essex, Orleans and Caledonia Counties. It is bordered by the Connecticut River in the East and Jay Peak in the West. North of it is the wilderness of deepest, darkest, Canada. South is the state capitol, Montpelier. 80% of the Kingdom is covered by forest; right now 100% of the Kingdom is covered by snow. It is listed in “1,000 Places to See Before You Die.”

Nice place to visit. Pretty rugged place to live.

Mr. Calhoun is a lumberjack by trade in a time when more wood products come from Canada and China than from Vermont. He struggles dawn to dusk to eke out his living from the hardscrabble landscape.

Jehoshaphat is Sarah Calhoun’s dog but she never grooms him. Like so many cocker spaniels, his hair mats into impenetrable masses, swelling his ears to elephant size and changing his lithe and sinuous body shape to mutton.

Sam Calhoun has told Sarah to clean up the dog every morning and every night for at least a year.

She hasn’t done so and the dog is weighed down by the burden.

Finally Sam and Jehoshaphat led the disobedient Sarah to the wood shed. Mr. Calhoun laid his wife across his best splitting block and beheaded her on the spot.

Mr. Calhoun has a wide-ranging choice of tools. He could have used his Stihl chainsaw with the 30″ bar. He could have used his antique topping axe. He didn’t. He did it the old fashioned way — with a maul.

Then he washed and brushed and combed and dried the darned dog.

Mr. Calhoun told the neighbors that his wife had packed her bags and moved to California. “The land of the fruits and nuts,” he said.

The authorities might have believed Sam’s story had not Jehoshaphat waddled the four miles to the free public library. The librarian noticed there were still flecks of dried blood soaked into the freshly washed fur and called authorities.

“She just would not listen to reason,” Mr. Calhoun told the arresting officers.

The Northeast Kingdom State’s Attorney called it, “The worst form of domestic violence possible”

The story you have read is fiction. I have invented every part of it except the Northeast Kingdom which is indeed, as the National Geographic Society names it, the “most desirable place to visit” in the United States. Mr. and Mrs. Calhoun exist only in my pepperoni-fueled dreams.Imagine the flack I would have taken if I had linked my story to all the Islamic jihad imagery of swarthy, hooded men with scimitars standing over humbled Westerners. Imagine the flack I would have taken if I had give the doer an ethnic name like Muzzammil Hassan and identified him as the Buffalo, NY, man who founded Bridges TV five years ago to combat the perception of Muslims as cruel promoters of terror abroad and in their own homes. I could even have written that Mr. Hassan has been arrested for beheading Aasiya Hassan, his lovely, 37 year old, disobedient wife.

Oh.

Wait.

That story would be true.

Stimulating

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We have just sent this message to Senators Pat Leahy (D-VT), Mel Martinez (R-FL), Bill Nelson (D-FL), and Bernie Sanders (I-VT). Bill Nelson was once again the only congress critter to have “Stimulus Bill” as an entry on his email topic list.

Many experts, including Congress’ own CBO, say the stimulus bill will at best do no good.Many experts, including me, say the stimulus bill will hurt the economy in the long run.Please vote down the stimulus bill.

Do what Congress does best: do nothing. Spend the remainder of this session worrying about Alex Rodriguez’ steroid use.

I wish I had some confidence that the mob had not taken over the Halls of Congress. OTOH, thinking for themselves is probably how we got here in the first place.

For Sale, Cheap

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We all know about using Craigslist to find adult–some might say illicit–activities.

Fort Pierce, Florida, police arrested 35 people as part of a prostitution ring that used Craigslist to set up “dates” last September. Now, 40 states including Vermont have joined in an agreement with Craigslist to crack down on prostitution after Alexis Serrano, 23, of Shelburne, was charged with prostitution. Court papers show she was one of dozens of Vermont women who offered erotic services via Craigslist. Florida will not sign the new agreement.

Advertisers will need to provide valid telephone and credit card information to post erotic services ads. The website will provide that information to authorities if subpoenaed. Started in 1995, Craigslist has websites in more than 50 countries.

There could be other illicit activities associated with Craigslist.

I listed my Keyscar on the popular website last fall. It was a great ad with top notch copy and great pictures. I did not have to provide a credit card but I did include my phone number.

I didn’t expect to get half a dozen offers with certified checks for more than the asking price. The moral of this story is that many, many crooks will offer you a bogus certified check for more than the purchase price and ask you to pay the “overage” to their “shipping agent.”

Don’t do it. They will walk away with your goods and your money. You will walk away with a very small piece of art suitable for framing.

ramsey wrote:

Hello,

I was opportuned to see your advertised Car .So I picked interest in it, moreso with the full description that was attached to with the advert, kindly get back to me with your selling price. Also I will like to know if you will accept a banker draft or a certified personal cheque for the payment . Since I have not seen the pictures clearlly, I will like to know it’s present condition, Also tell me if the Car has ever been involve in any form of accident ? If yes, Don’t essitate to tell me the affected part.

Your fast responce will highly be appreciated .

Regards.

Donald Duke wrote:

Hello…

Thanks for your response to my mail and I want you to consider that its sold, pls do withdraw the advert from craigslist to avoid disturbance.I want you to know that I will be paying with a bank certified check and to also notify you that shipping funds will be included with the payment that is coming to you. so therefore.I will need you to provide me the following information listed below, so that I can ask my secretary to issue out the payment to you.

Full name to write on the check…………
Full Physical address to post the check…….
city………………….
state………………
zipcode………………..
Home & Cell Phone to contact you

*** Note that the payment will be shiped to your address via COURIER NEXT DAY SERVICE and I will like you to know that you will not be responsible for shipping I will have my mover coming over to your location for pick up after the receipt of the payment
Thanks

I am pleased to report that I did get a couple of legitimate nibbles on the car and did, in fact, sell it to a nice couple in Key West.

I am also pleased to report that I just bought a refrigerator via Craigslist.

Nothing ever goes quite as planned. A couple of years ago the 18 cu. ft. or so fridge my folks had used for umpty-ump years started making really loud graunching noises. Its doors sagged so the cold air kept running down the street. And it was a bit undersized for my liking. I watched the bulletin board at the Post Office and found a perfectly good used side-by-side for very little so I grabbed it and moved my folks smaller box outside to be the “bait fridge.”

It still makes a lot of noise so we don’t run it very often.

The perfectly good used side-by-side stopped making cold last week so I looked on cragislist for a replacement. See, I can’t suspend my disbelief enough to shell out more than the cost of a brand new Chevrolet 5.3 liter crate motor for a pretty white box that makes cold.

Sears had plenty of choices but nothing I could buy. A LG side-by-side, $1,300, a GE side-by-side, $1,600, a Kenmore 3-door “trio,” $2,000, another Kenmore 4-door, $2,700, and an 18 cu. ft. Kenmore top freezer bare bones box for $425.

As my friend “Bob” said, $1,200 is too much. $3,000 is mindless.”

I agree wholeheartedly.

With the economy crunched, I’m surprised there aren’t many newish used fridges on the market. After all, there are certainly thousands of newish used homes. I did see a one-or-two year old glory model LG refrigerator advertised in Key West for $1,500. That’s too much for a new one, let alone used.

Craigslist had a 3 year old Admiral listed for significantly less. The new-to-me fridge is in place. It is clean, well made, and in excellent shape.

The fridge was in the Stanley Switlik estate. That beautiful home sits on a some lovely Marathon acreage with water on three sides. D’Asign Source is designing and building a private home for the new owner.

I paid cash for the fridge.

Guest Post: Geno says It Is Deliberate

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Some back story:

On February 4, 2009, Congressional Budget Office Director Douglas W. Elmendorf wrote to Senator Judd Gregg that the CBO has conducted an analysis of the macroeconomic impact of the stimulus. CBO estimates that this Senate legislation would, in the long run, cause a “decrease in gross domestic product (GDP) compared with CBO’s baseline economic forecast.”

One of my correspondents replied, “It is difficult not to conclude that Congress is the arsonist who starts the fires and then rushes in as the firefighter to ‘save us,’ only to set yet another fire.”

He also reminded me of Congress recent culpability, to wit:

Congress has heard, over and over and over again, about the Social Security deficit coming in our lifetime and they have with all deliberation ignored it.

Congress has heard, over and over and over again, about the Medicare shortfall coming in our lifetime and they have with all deliberation ignored it.

Congress has heard, over and over and over again, about Mortgage Crisis I problem and they frittered away 350 billion dollars on it.

Congress has heard, over and over and over again, about Mortgage Crisis II (the “good” Option A and ARM notes coming due) problem and they have with all deliberation ignored it.

Congress has heard, over and over and over again, that throwing trillions of dollars to their friends while looting the last of the great and little manufacturers (the car companies and America’s small businesses) is a bad idea. They have with all deliberation ignored that, too.

With that as the discussion that goes before, regular correspondent Geno sent this along:

“We is doomed,” wrote Bob and Dick.

That, we may well be.

Congress (largely both sides of the aisle at this time) is a self-serving entity. Members of Congress see this as a money tree and a way to get reelected. The unuttered charge is, “don’t try to derail my gravy train with facts.”

They simply don’t want to hear it; so no amount of public opinion will slow the train’s engineers.

On the Right, a few conservatives are holding out, but only marginally. And, of course, moderates (read that republicans who are too wimpy to admit their liberalism) do not care because they have no core values upon which to stand. They are Right when Right fits their need and Left when Left best fits. Keywords here are “their need.” I hate that in both a leader and a follower.

The economy was bad during the Carter years, and interest rates were high double digits. Now it’s bad and interest rates are next to zero. So, where’s the connection? Maybe there is none. Maybe it is a mirage. Maybe even the way a nation measures its wealth is an aberation.

Of course, wealth is a virtue and a national treasure. But when wealth is measured by a string of numbers on paper–or worse by how much of it one can hold in ones hand, then it is a tenuous virtue indeed. Does anyone really believe that there are enough greenbacks in circulation to pay every American the amount he claims he owns? Or for that matter, enough gold in Fort Worth? (forgive the Texas joke).

Perhaps money has no color–green or otherwise–and exists solely in the elbow grease and common production of its citizenry.

We have strayed so far from that tenet that even I scoff when I write it.

Money is the root of all evil, some theologians will say. But, contrary to common wisdom, the Bible does not teach that. It clearly says that “the love of money” is the root of all evil.

And there are people committing that sin who don’t have a dime.