Category Archives: What? Are They Nuts?

Dear Unca Warren

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Dear Warren:

I now know I will never be a billionaire.

See, I always thought that, in addition to luck, and drive, and knowledge, a prospective billionaire had to be smart.

I’m sometimes lucky. I’m a Type A so I have drive. I’m a pretty fair researcher so I have knowledge. Unfortunately, I’m pretty smart. I know this because my mom told me so. More important, all of my teachers told me the same thing (usually as part of the sentence, “Dammit, Dick, you’re too smart to have pulled that boneheaded stunt“).

Apparently, I’m also too smart to be a billionaire.

Speaking of boneheaded, I see that you haven’t figured out that we, you and I, already pay a higher income tax rate than your secretary does. See, we own the companies that pay us the dividends so we’ve paid up to 35% of that profit to your friend Barry right off the top.

Sort of an old-style Las Vegas skim.

Since your friend Barry claims many corporations pay zero taxes, let’s pretend that we own a real small business C corporation that really pays real rate of 17.5%, half the official rate for the companies he says pay nothing.

17.5%

Now your friend Barry wants to raise the dividend tax rate from the current 15% to 39.6%. Next, he has already planned the phase-out of deductions and exemptions; that raises the rate to 41%. Don’t forget to add the 3.8% investment tax surcharge in ObamaCare, and the dividend tax rate next year will be 44.8%.

But wait. There’s more!

Before we get there, I nearly forgot that you and I are almost old enough to be thinking about retirement. Did you know that about three of every four dividend payments go to those who are over 55? Heck, more than half go to the really old peeps. The ones who are older than 65.

We also forgot the 17.5%.

Forgetful we are.

Add the 17.5% corporate tax rate plus 44.8% dividend tax and the the total tax on our corporate earnings passed through as dividends will be … 62.3%.

Your friend Barry gets almost 5/8 of what we make; we get 3/8.

I think we need to jack up your secretary’s tax rate.

That’s the Buffett Rule, right? It’s only fair you know.

Your partner,
Dancing

P.S. Since I’m a smart feller, I figured the original Buffett Rule was “charge people fairly.” The way to do that, of course, is not to tax income that has already been taxed and then to make sure that everyone, rich and poor, pays the same tax rate.

By the way. I wrote the Flat Tax column when I was still in my 40s and you had just collected your first Social Security check. It was a smart policy then and still is today.

Anarchy

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We need a little more anarchy. I’m late in posting this because I had to write it from a New York jail.

See, I made a serious error in judgement. I texted my friend Liz Arden from my car. “On my way to Plattsburg Airport,” I wrote.

I was about to pull back out onto entrance ramp from the shoulder where I had stopped when I noticed flashing lights in the rear view mirror.

“May I see your license and registration, sir?” the trooper asked politely.

“What’s the trouble, officer?” I said.

“You are in violation of section 1225-d of the vehicle and traffic law of New York state,” he replied. “Texting while operating a motor vehicle.”

“I wasn’t moving, officer. My speed was zero. I pulled over and stopped deliberately to sit here so I could use my electronic device safely and legally.”

“New York does not require you to be speeding for me to consider that you are operating your vehicle, sir.”

I found that interesting, since motion is defined as the act, process, or state of changing place or position and some ΔV is necessary to effect that.

Sir Isaac Newton compiled his laws of motion in the 17th Century, some years before we started regulating vehicular communication. In fact, some years before we started thinking about vehicles powered by much other than hay. His three laws describe the relationship between the forces acting on a body and its motion due to those forces; they form the basis for classical mechanics.

Newton’s First Law: The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force. It is often expressed as “a body in motion stays in motion and a car sitting dead on the street ain’t moving.”

“Now wait just a darned minute,” I said. Troopers like being told that. “Imagine this scenario, officer. Imagine that I am sitting in a public park, motionless, with a butter knife. A ground squirrel has chewed on my nuts. I am seriously enraged and am plotting the hideous death of that squirrel. Foam is coming out of my ears. Steam from my mouth. But the squirrel is still sitting in the tree, chattering. And I haven’t moved from my park bench.”

He moved his hand to the side of his utility belt.

“Step out of the car, please, sir.”

“You can’t arrest me for murder for sitting in a public park, motionless, with a butter knife,” I told him. “So you also can’t arrest me for a moving violation when I am sitting in my stopped car, motionless.”

Or not.

Vermont’s 2009 “Texting Law” (23 V.S.A. § 1099) states, “A person shall not engage in texting while operating a moving motor vehicle on a highway.” New York’s law is similar but longer winded. Police in New York can stop drivers for using handheld devices while driving, making it a primary traffic offense. That state’s law also increased the penalty from a two- to a three-point offense with a fine of up to $150.

The trooper is using a definition of “operate a motor vehicle” that means more than just “drive,” “driving,” or “driven.” Their definition seems to cover all matters related to having a car near a highway, whether you be in actual motion or at rest.

Under those circumstances, the New York law that states that “no person shall operate a motor vehicle unless all front seat passengers under the age of sixteen are restrained by a safety belt…” means that the trooper can cite me for sitting at the foot of my friend’s driveway in Rouse’s Point with my granddaughter if she’s not belted in.

“I’m thinking it’s time to tune up the law,” my friend Denny Crane might say.

Fortunately, the cursory examination of my car didn’t turn up the butter knife in my glove box.

Cockroaches Can Save Us Money!

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Even as Repuglicans have abandoned the state of palmetto trees for the state of palmetto bugs, we must ponder the age old question of giant carnivorous insects, why do cockroaches fly?

Our Keys cockroaches rarely fly; they train the smaller shore birds to bring them food.

We spray the land and the air which explains a lot about our personalities. We used to have a fleet of DC-3s but those as well as the bat tower on Sugarloaf Key have been mostly abandoned. Now, the Mosquito Air Force has an $7.4 million hardened hangar at Marathon-Florida Keys Airport that allows them to fly any helicopter in rather than towing it. They built the hangar to save us money! All those ‘cides haven’t touched the “palmetto bugs,” though.

Are flying cockroaches smarter than people?

RED CROSS FINED OVER BLOOD SAFETY
Health care issue. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration fined the American Red Cross $9.59 million because 16 of its facilities failed to comply with blood-safety rules. More than 15 months ago. The FDA found “significant violations” in 2010 including inadequate “managerial control,” record-keeping, and quality assurance but there were no serious health consequences for blood recipients.

The fine will save us money. Won’t it?

KEYS RESIDENTS URGED TO VOTE
School tax issue. Monroe County Schools have been recently built and renovated, yet over $9 million remains in the capital improvements budget, that is currently needed for operational expenses, in the everyday classroom.

If voters approve the measure, 0.5 mill of the capital ad valorem tax will be moved to the operating budget to pay for teacher salaries, classroom supplies, and school athletic programs. Some $9 million is up for grabs. .

“Failure to pass this measure means that existing taxes will be frozen in capital accounts, and not available to pay the daily costs of running our schools,” past Superintendent John R. Padget wrote.

The Monroe County Democratic Executive Committee “urges all Democrats — and all voters — to support passage of this referendum.”

Sure. It will save us money. Won’t it?

Our elected reps want to move millions of taxpayer dollars around in an effort to save us money.

Let’s see. If we take money from the Red Cross at their offices over here, that means they have to charge more for blood at the hospital over there. Oooh, bonus. Health care costs go UP.

Maybe we should take money from the building fund so our general tax rates go down a hapenny. Oooh, bonus. When the roof blows off the (newish) building, we can write BONDS to pay for that.

Perhaps we could take money from the Social Security Trust Fund so our general tax rates go down. Oooh, bonus. Our grandchildren have to buy 401Ks.

Oh, wait. We already did that.

I learned at least half a century ago that when the used car salesman offers to “save you money,” hold onto your wallet ’cause you’re going for a ride.

Are flying cockroaches smarter than people?

Could be. Their Social Security seems sound since there are still more shorebirds than bugs and they haven’t even once tried to convince their prey to like being eaten.

COLA Wars

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The cost of living increased 3.6 percent.

My friend Dino Russell believes his gay Latino postal carrier and a polygamous triad who live for free in the Chicago Housing Authority’s Stateway Gardens public housing determine the Consumer Price Index rather than the Bureau of Labor Statistics at the Department of Labor (CHA is the largest owner of rental housing in the city of Chicago, providing homes to more than 50,000 families and individuals). By law, the CPI-W is the official measure used by the Social Security Administration and a number of other agencies to calculate COLAs.

Cool. There is also a Cola Collection set on Flickr.

And Cola Collectible Trains on choochoocharleys.

The cost of living increased 3.6 percent.

On Dec 19, 2001, I bought 97.4 gallons of fuel oil for $1.079/gallon. With the three cent per gallon discount for paying within 10 days, it cost me $102.17.

In 2005, our spring fill up cost almost half again as much per gallon. We needed just 95.8 gallons which cost $1.519 per gallon. With the same three cent per gallon discount, the total bill was $142.65. Seeing a trend?

That three cent discount had disappeared in 2009, so 95.2 gallons at $1.950/gal cost $185.64. That’s already almost double the 2001 cost. It doesn’t get any better.

Our most recent automatic fill up was in November when the truck brought 99.5 gallons. This time, after two years of calculations that the Cost Of Living had not changed, that oil cost $3.720/gal so the total bill was $370.14

Wow. The price of heating the house quadrupled in a decade. Even worse, the price of heating the house doubled in just the two years Uncle Sam says there was no increase in the cost of living. (For the record, AARP calculated that New England consumers age 65+ who heated with oil spent $2,917 on it last winter, up from $2,399 the winter before — those same households with incomes under $20,000 will spend at least 20 percent of household income on heating costs).

“Legislation enacted in 1973 provides for cost-of-living adjustments, or COLAs. With COLAs, Social Security and Supplemental Security Income (SSI) benefits keep pace with inflation.“

The cost of living increased 3.6 percent.

couponsFuel oil (and gasoline) are not the only commodities that have increased in price. Walgreens has sold the Madam brand of mandarin oranges and the Geisha brand of canned mushrooms for more than a decade. Until last year, the common sale on both was 50 cents/can. Now each costs fifty-nine cents per can, an 18-percent increase.

The cost of living increased 3.6 percent.

I don’t believe our government lies to us.

I do believe Dino was right and that the gay Latino postal carrier and the polygamous triad studied arithmetic at the Business University New College Of Natural Science and Math. That esteemed institution, with campuses in Chicago and in the District of Columbia, developed both the Uranus-based numbering system and the radical departure of teaching modern math concepts with colors.

The seventh planet from the Sun is the third-largest planet by diameter, has fourth-largest mass, and is considered one of the “ice giants” of the Solar System. Masses are increased and time slows there, requiring a more universal numerology. The Business University New College Of stuff introduced this system in 1960 and developed a modern math curricula that showed how 2+4=purple at about the same time.

And that is why the cost of living increased just 3.6 percent.