No Cupcakes in Your School

Google™ has about 2,090,000 results for a search on cupcakes and school.

A Michigan elementary school has banned the classroom tradition of celebrating a child’s birthday with cupcakes.

The interestingly spelled Syndee Malek, principal at the South Redford elementary school, insists that birthdays be honored with “healthy foods.”

Schools, the first bastion of fat-kids-with-high-self-esteem over performance, have had gravy on the French fries instead of vegetables and soda machines in the halls for more than a generation. Now, in 2010, the same schools promote student nutrition and fitness. Lunch at Ms. Malek’s school is very different from most schools. Nothing is fried, hot dogs are made with turkey, and she thinks the kids love the fresh fruit and vegetable bar.

Cupcakes have a nutritiously terrible ingredient list: all purpose flour, sugar, baking powder and baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, some shortening, water, eggs, and milk. Chocolate cupcakes add a little vanilla and some melted, unsweetened, baking chocolate. For comparison, Hard Do Bread, a popular artisan bread sold in West Indian stores, has all purpose flour, white sugar, water, salt, vegetable oil and margarine, and yeast. Pasta has all purpose flour, baking powder, a teaspoon of salt, some butter or shortening, and eggs.

Cupcakes also have a long and momentous history. In 18th Century France, for example, Marie Antoinette was permanently enjoined from bringing them to school for having the audacity to tell the school administrators, “Let them eat cupcakes.”

Another Internet search turned up list after list of the significant benefits of cupcakes. Cupcakes apparently cure AIDS, arthritis, and autism. They alleviate eczema and emphysema. Certain special recipes ameliorate hair loss and headaches. They mend Parkinson’s disease by flushing toxic metals from the body. All cupcakes palliate stuttering. They sweat out viral and yeast infections. And, perhaps most important, they rectify low SAT scores.

My handy Roget’s Thesaurus shows us that cupcake also stands in for any number of terms of endearment for the fairer sex: angel, babe, bathing beauty, beauty queen, broad, bunny, centerfold, chick, cover girl, cutie, cutie-pie, doll, dollface, dream girl, dreamboat, fox, glamor girl, good-looking woman, honey, hot dish, hot number, peach, pin-up, raving beauty, sex bunny, sex kitten, sex pot, and even tomato.

Perhaps they have been banned out of political correctness after all.

Whatever the benefit, whatever the reason, you still can’t bake cupcakes to send to school with your kids for their birthdays anymore.

For the record, I could have expanded this to 1,000 words or trimmed it to 100. Moderation in all things is important, so it is just 400.

6 thoughts on “No Cupcakes in Your School

  1. Schools all over the country have been banning homemade treats for awhile. It’s goofy but the goofy reasons are far more numerous than fat avoidance. They include fear of products of other people’s kitchens, suspicion of occult peanuts, and not wanting to be one-upped by those of us moms who actually know how to cook.

  2. CUPCAKES!!! What? Look at this!!

    I hate banning cupcakes; however, I like banning the birthday thing from schools because it’s stupid. Kids celebrate their birthdays at home and every other goddamn place. We make too fuckin’ much of birthdays anyway for pete’s sake. It’s absurd. I like the idea of the monthly celebration for all kids with bdays in that month, but then certain moms would have to one-up, so it wouldn’t work. God, I hate moms who have nothing better to do than out-mom everyone else. BLEARGH! And I say that as a mom who stayed home and baked cupcakes, so I’m not in defensive mode or anything. I just can’t stand the helicopter ubermoms. And I guess I have to reluctantly concede the peanut argument, even though I’ve resisted before. I mean, it’s not worth any kid dying, is it?

    Should I have capitalized “pete?” Are we referring to a particular one? Hmm.

  3. @gekko: Not evil incarnate. The Flying Monkey omitted the ice cream layer that would make this dessert truly evil. Pete is safe.

    Now the pumpple cupcake accompanied by a Vermonster, not that is worth a ride across the Styx.

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