Burning Man Will Not Be Held in South Puffin this Year

It’s not because of the bugs. We have plenty of bugs in the Keys but that is apparently a new phenomenon in Black Rock City.

“DEET can save you in the Keys but we’re committed to the dry heat, not the tropics for our art,” founding board member Crimson Rose told me.

The Nazi Treasure Train and Donald Trump were trending on Facebook yesterday.

“Maybe you should write about the treasure train visiting South Puffin,” Liz Arden told me this morning.

Nah. Not much is happening in South Puffin right now. In fact not much happens in South Puffin at any time so it’s unlikely the train would make a stop here.

I got to playing with a Random Headline generator this morning because not much is happening in South Puffin right now.

Heat Fans Pissed about Kanye’s Honorary Doctorate, Administration Unfazed
That could be true but with a twist. The School of the Art Institute of Chicago did indeed grant the rapper an honorary doctorate for his “transformative, genre-defying work.” See, the college dropout grew up in Chi-town and did a quickie show for da Bulls after receiving the honor from SAIC. I’m thinking our Heat fans didn’t even know.

The “Cruel” Twist in Netflix’ Bloodline Spinoff
All 13 episodes of the original Netflix series were shot in and around the Upper Keys although the stars did appear in South Puffin’s excellent restaurants from time to time. As far as I know, Netflix has no plans to renew Bloodline, let alone spin off the disappointing Florida noir into black sheep Danny Rayburn (actor Ben Mendelsohn) running a grimy Carnival cruise ship aground in Boot Key Harbor.

I live kind of back of beyond. The directions to the house in Vermont are simple: “Drive to Canada. Turn left. Stop when you hit water.” The directions to my house in the Keys aren’t much more complicated.

Ms. Arden likes to remind me that there is not the Endless Entertainment (even on Wednesdays) that she finds in Southwest Puffin. With a million people, there’s a social event around every corner in Southwest Puffin. With hundreds of industrial employers, there are great jobs in Southwest Puffin. And, of course, get everywhere fast by subway, or bus, or trolley in Southwest Puffin.

I gave all that up for the blessings. Havana is closer to Key West than Walmart. Every big city has cars and factories and overpopulation, belching dirty air and dirtier water. Parking is impossible. Lines are long. Crime is high. The streets are n-o-i-s-y.

The Perfect Day on the WaterAlmost every day, I can try to catch a cow on a hook for dinner. As Kenneth Grahame wrote, “Believe me, my young friend, there is nothing — absolutely nothing — half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.” Or messing about on the beach near the boats. And our criminals are much quieter.

Intrigue! For those who want the real story, two treasure hunters claimed to have found the “Nazi gold train” packed with gold, gems and money from 1945, all buried in a hill in Poland. The Silesian Research Group says they found the train two years ago but someone stole their treasure map.

Orange Is the New Hitler, quoth the Random Headline generator.

And none of the headlines are true in South Puffin.

 

1 thought on “Burning Man Will Not Be Held in South Puffin this Year

  1. Subway is a restaurant, so you’ll likely not get anywhere that way, altho it IS fast food.

    Buses corne every 15 minutes, but they take 30 minutes between stops.

    Trolleys run only in Snottsdale.

    If you want to go someplace fast in SW Puffin, drive. Or take the light rail. But you’d need to hope voters approve Prop 104, else you’ll have to drive to get to the bus that will take you to the nearest light rail station. And you won’t meet any Nazi artists, nor will Kanye show up.

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